A Melancholy view of Life

The past weeks has been so uncertain and casted so many doubts. One of my friends was highlighting me for being too private about my life. The majority of my friends are responding to my Instagram stories by asking how my life is doing. Sincerely, I feel as though I have nothing to say. I feel like the updates about my life are not at all fascinating. Every day, I continue to do the same thing. It seems so overwhelming every day.

Lately, I find that my mind and my heart have been engaged in a constant war. I have no idea if it’s the hormones or if it’s simply because I’ve been so distracted from my sadness these past couple of months, but this week especially, everything feels like a raging battle of my conscience. Sometimes I wish time would pass more quickly. Life has been monotonous, miserable, and dissatisfying.

Sometimes, I think I used up most of my positivity pills in the earlier half of the year because life was such a breeze then. At this point, everything feels too heavy. Even if you tell me to take things one at a time, I don’t have the energy to do it. I want to do absolutely nothing.

I’ll be honest: I’ve lost parts of myself. There were things I used to enjoy in the earlier half of the year, like writing, long days of reading, and baking, that eventually felt like a routine that I was growing out of, and nothing hurts your ego more than losing interest in the very things that kept you going in the first place.

I haven’t been writing for so long, but I still write mostly for myself — sometimes I feel like by writing, I’m convincing myself to be okay more than anyone else. Getting through all this roller coaster ride of emotions made me learn a great deal about myself, unlearn some perspectives that I’ve thought to be true for the longest time, and seek comfort in the ones I love.

Some days, I’d get angry at myself for not being okay, as if it was wrong to be a little bit sad at times. Like I said, I was unnecessarily hard on myself.

I have been hard on myself because it seems like the only subject everyone cares to talk about now is tertiary education. I cannot seem to stress enough how important it is to stop competing on everyone else’s ground and just breathe!

Stop comparing others’ successes to yours and start thinking of how to best nurture yourself to be just as successful, if not more successful, than said people. Stop living your life in the clouds of another person’s dreams and build your own from whatever remnants of hope there are left before you feel as if you’ve reached the point of giving up. There is nothing more fulfilling than doing something for your own sake.

At the end of the day, I realised that no matter how many times I tell people I want to be genuinely happy, it will not happen if I trap myself in the same depressing pit and torment myself about things that have happened that I can’t change.

I am teaching myself that there are people that I have to leave behind and that it is possible to make peace with the bygones while making space for what lies beyond. There are dreams that are not meant to be, and there are pathways that are not meant for me.

It takes a whole lot of peace to be happy with where you are now, and even now, I am not yet as happy as I’d like to be, but that’s life, isn’t it? It is most definitely not a stroll in the park, and there were days where I felt most at loss and questioned my own choices, to the extent that it suffocated my chest, but it brought me comfort to know that there is always more to come. There are more people to love. There are better days ahead.