When asked what my favourite month is, October is always at the tip of my tongue, even when I have no idea what’s waiting in store for me. It’s an intuitive answer, because I know in my heart that regardless of what might come, I’m going to make this month work for me because I deserve a good birthday month. If I had this same energy every other month, I’d probably be happier tenfold, but oh well, some months bring out the best in you.
Turning 18 has got me thinking about what kinds of things it will bring. There could be a whole lot of new opportunities, but with that will come new responsibilities. It means that I’m suddenly accountable for my own actions, that I’m no longer able to hide behind the shield of being the minority, and that I’m just a little bit terrified.
Terrified to enter the real world.
I’m almost a real person.
I guess as a teenager, I have always romanticised the idea of being 18. And yet, here I am at the age of 18, still unsure about what path I should take when I “grow up”. It’s like I thought I had everything planned out before, but right now, nothing is turning out the way I anticipated. The problem with the media is that they get us so caught up in romanticization, like glorifying the idea of turning 18, but in reality, it’s not nearly as exciting.
I think the age of 18 is particularly difficult to navigate out of all the adolescent years. You’re fresh into adulthood and, in theory, supposed to be more emotionally mature and think with reason. For me, I haven’t really experienced the year like that.
I still have no idea what I’m doing in life at the age of 18. Sure, I’ve started studying something I’m interested in in university, but honestly, I still have questions about whether this is what I’m actually supposed to pursue for the rest of my working career.
As for relationships, I have no experience with them. While attending a mixed-sex secondary school and exclusively forming friendships with people of the same gender was more comfortable throughout the formative years of adolescence, it had a negative impact on my social skills and left me in a state of awkwardness and just utter incompetence around the other gender. I can’t even talk to guys my age, let alone be able to develop friendships or a romantic relationship with them.
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see all my physical flaws pointed out so blatantly. My face is too round, my nose too large, and I’ve always struggled with losing weight. As for loving myself and what I look like, I know I have a long way to go. To be honest, on some days, I look at myself and feel disappointed that I’m not one of the pretty or attractive 18-year-old girls I know. This whole thing could just be part and parcel of the teenage syndrome, but deep down, I just can’t help but compare myself to the many other prettier and more confident girls my age.
I started constantly reminding myself that beauty goes beyond appearance. It goes far beyond that. It is something you experience, feel, and have within you. I don’t have to be beautiful like her. I can be beautiful, just like me.
For a major part of my life as 18, it felt like I was shrouded in uncertainty. I’m probably not where I wanted to be a year ago, but I’m happy here.
I remember being so ambitious after SPM, intent on ticking off my bucket list and making the most of my time. Of course, I didn’t get to do the most of everything, but I explored different sides of myself, and I loved it all.
I am entirely grateful for my SPM results; those who have known me from high school would know how hard it was for me to keep up with science subjects and that it really isn’t my forte; not what I was ever looking to pursue anyway. But towards the end, my hard work paid off, and for that, I am entirely thankful and blessed.
I was looking forward to other options, looking forward to scholarships and grand opportunities, but maybe when I was too busy chasing the moon, the stars were what God thought to be fit for me.
I entered a university that, though my first choice at UPU, wasn’t exactly my first choice in life. Looking back at all these years, I probably spent the better half of my high school days wanting to pursue A-levels, dreaming of studying somewhere in the States or in Britain. I was always ambitious, and I’ve always wanted to surpass my own limits, but maybe what I have now is what would’ve been best for me.
I trust in Him.
Indeed, my experience at the university for the past two weeks has been nothing less than a blessing. I could never have imagined meeting someone as kind as Nadiea, but I also found myself enjoying the company of my newfound friends. Prior to entering the university, my biggest worry was not having friends I could be genuinely comfortable with, but right now? I’m so glad that I’m graced by the company of some of the best people on campus.
There is a verse from Al-Quran that I have grown to love: “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor].” (14:7). Gratitude is one of the purest forms of energy that you could emanate. I think I’ve talked about this on Twitter once; the energy that you give will always return to you. It might not always come from the same person it was given to or in the same form it was given, but the world will always give back what it receives in the kindest way possible.
Entering my 18 will present its own set of challenges, that I am sure of. But I’m looking forward to facing it head-on since I know that everything will work out in the end as long as I keep working hard.
That brings me to another lesson I learned: The truth is, we’re all trying. We all wake up one day thinking that we finally have life sorted, sort of, and we go about our day energetically; we tick all the things off our to-do list for the day; we spend time with the ones we love; and we go to bed feeling good about ourselves. Then suddenly, we wake up the next day feeling like we’re back at point zero and wanting to spend the entire day under the blankets, listening to the ultimate heartbreak playlist for absolutely no reason.
Life can be cruel, as it takes our best moments and turns them into clouds of endless happiness only to extinguish them the next day, leaving us with sombre thoughts and emptiness. But life is life, and what we do have is the choice to become a slightly better person every day, regardless of what life throws at us.
If I had to sum up what 18 years of life have taught me, I would say that progress is not linear. Sometimes it’s a sweet disappointment to want to work hard but know that you’ll inevitably give up and sink into sorrow. Progression is not linear. Because trees don’t grow into straight lines and eyebrows aren’t made to seem symmetrical, nothing should be set to preset. By all means, life is not walking on a tightrope, but if you have the option to swing on it, go for it.
You don’t have to have everything figured out before you hit your 20s. Embrace the constant that is change, and your life may never be the same (it’ll be better!).
Life is fair in that you can have everything, but not all at once. In one hand, I held the true riches of life—my family’s support, my friends’ warm embrace, and the rocky but worthwhile ride up. On the other hand, outwards and upwards, struggling to grasp stability and dreams of what could have-beens.
I am teaching myself that there are people that I have to leave behind and that it is possible to make peace with the bygones while making space for what lies beyond. There are dreams that are not meant to be, and there are pathways that are not meant for me. It takes a whole lot of peace to be happy with where you are in the now, and even now, I am not yet as happy as I’d like to be, but that’s life, isn’t it? It is most definitely not a stroll in the park, and there were days where I felt most at loss and questioning my own choices, to the extent that it suffocated my chest, but it brought me comfort to know that there was always more to come. There are more people to love. There are better days ahead.
Cheers to another year of leaping out of comfort zones and growing comfortable in my own skin.
Every birthday reminds me that Allah has given me another year—another chance to be a better servant of His. It reminds me of how far I’ve gone since day 1 and how further I am willing to go in the future. It constantly shows me the people who have stuck around, though some may come and go. The person who wished me first last year may not have wished me at all this year, and perhaps some of those who made it a point to make my birthday memorable years ago do not even remember, but that’s alright.
Everything’s alright because we are growing and there is so much left to be explored, rather than allowing myself to succumb to this horrid avoidance of change.
It’s enough for me to know that the people who do matter make it a point to wish me, although it’s through small, simple gestures because, really, it’s honestly the thought that matters more than anything. And call me a sucker for clichés, but I honestly look forward to my first and last wishers; these people make an effort to be on time to do so, and there is nothing I adore more than that effort done to make another happy. This year showed me so much more.
This is for every letter that I have ever written—to myself, in the past and future, to the ones I love and the ones I’ve lost. This is for every night that I cannot forgive myself and for every minute that my heart aches more than it soars. This is for myself: a reminder to remain gentle in a world that might not always be gentle and to endure with strength in the face of adversity.
Happy 18th birthday, Sofea! ♡
— I’m hoping that anybody who sees this will pray for my mother’s recovery. May Allah always favour you! xx
s o y a w r i t e s 