I haven’t written in a long time, but I still write mainly for myself; sometimes I feel like by writing, I’m convincing myself that I’m fine more than anybody else. This month has seen my happy streak go longer than any previous month in 2023, but I’m realising that if I just know happiness, I’ll never be able to learn or appreciate what I have. I’m also grateful that we’re on semester break right now; I really needed some time to sit and think about all that transpired this year. It’s been a tough one, indeed.
I’m not proud of how I’ve presented myself in 2023. For the most part, I was returning to the person I had pledged not to be. I held myself back, had difficulty inserting self-deprecating thoughts, and let my fear of other people’s perceptions keep me from being my actual self.
This year has been challenging for me, and I don’t think I’ve given myself enough credit for how I’ve survived. From January to March, it was a constant academic battle that included numerous mental breakdowns in between. I went into April expecting it to be a pleasant moment after such a demanding last high school year, but what I didn’t anticipate was to realise that post-SPM is a break that may shatter you if you’re not cautious. Being alone with only my thoughts and no one to dispute them was a genuine test for which I was unprepared. I travelled back and forth to the hospital since Ibu was not doing well. Following that, bring Ibu on her daily clinic visit in Puchong. All of the household duties that need to be completed. For me, it was a never-ending cycle of exhaustion. Nevertheless, I’m still glad I learned a lot of stuff. Of course, take up cooking! And that leads to a great deal of disagreement with Ibu. Haha. But I am growing so much and have learned a lot of cooking hacks along the way! To be honest, in spite of all of these struggles, I should be glad enough, but because I was always comparing myself to other people, I sometimes lost faith in myself. I don’t think I accomplished much or had a particularly fascinating life. I still haven’t fully recovered from that, but I’m learning to accept the person I am and be proud of how far I’ve come over the years. I’m also teaching myself to counter my own destructive thoughts.
The SPM result is nearing as June approaches. To tell you the truth, I doubt I will ever be able to fully prepare for results day. The row of alphabets on the slip I’ll be receiving on that day will irrevocably determine my path for all the years I have ahead. Sadly, I didn’t receive straight A’s, but I’m grateful for what I got. Perhaps one misplaced A could lead me to a place where I can shine. After all, success should not be solely defined by numbers, rankings, or status. The positive influence you have on those around you, your general enjoyment of what you do, your relationships with your family and friends, and other metrics are also important. In the end, it all goes back to what truly brings meaning to life and to you.
For me, July and August were really difficult months. Making a lot of important life decisions. Going through lots of assessments of scholarships and being rejected by the majority of them. I sobbed a lot and wished for a miracle to come so I could bear the agony of not achieving my high school dreams. It’s really exhausting to decide what to study and to explain my future plans to the elderly, who just have no idea what course I am interested in pursuing. I broke down in a dilemma. I tried to convince Ibu, called my closest friends, and spent the whole day pondering my choices and options. Today, I look back and don’t regret my choice. It’s true that occasionally I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if I had made a different decision, but I can honestly say that I’m relieved that I don’t have as much on my plate and can now focus on more time for myself. With Ah’s wedding approaching, my anxious days have been replaced with delight. I was quite busy helping Ahh with her wedding. Sharing my preferences on a variety of topics. I have to admit that I experienced mixed emotions. I believe that boundaries play a role when someone enters an entirely different phase of life, just as Ah is becoming a wife.
I started university studies at the end of September. Interacting with new individuals. Yes, I feel like I’m living again when I get to chat with more than two people a day. The initial weeks weren’t great. Keep comparing everything with my high school life. Maybe I am just adapting. Feeling a bit empty. Sometimes it’s okay to feel empty, and you are the only one who is capable of helping yourself feel whole again. It seems so overwhelming every day. I find that my mind and my heart have been engaged in a constant war. I have no idea if it’s the hormones or if it’s simply because I’ve been so distracted from my sadness these past couple of months, but in September, especially, everything feels like a raging battle of my conscience. Sometimes I wish time would pass more quickly. This taught me that it is normal to fear the prospect of going to new, uncharted territory. There is nothing wrong with how abnormal the pace of your heart becomes when the thought of exiting your comfort zone hits you in the middle of the night.
October was more of an adjustment month for me. It was not an easy task. In my attempt to fix myself, I painted a different confident smile every day and got myself super, super busy. It was difficult to get busy because it’s the first semester, and honestly, I couldn’t even distract myself by studying because there was not much to do, but I tried as I might. PTAR is suddenly my second favourite spot. Even on non-class days, I can’t help but feel bad for not working efficiently because, most of the day, I was boring. It’s funny how I unintentionally seem like a rajin girl. My favourite October memory is supporting Ecah as she competes in the Mathematics Showdown. It was in high school that I last made such support signs out of cartons. Overall, I simply want to be that good at answering math questions. I wished I had her brain when I was answering calculus paper.
November and December are typically the months when I feel most like myself. Increasingly hectic due to tests, a tonne of assignments, and activities since I joined the faculty club. Never-ending night meeting. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that I have not been stressed about things since high school, yet here I am in the same situation. Despite the fact that I am finding it very difficult to handle the event, I am truly delighted that I have met some wonderful people there. Also, I gained a lot of laughs. More than just an escape from sadness and misery, it gives me the courage and strength that open my eyes to new possibilities and meanings.
You’ll see that many people want 2024 to be nicer to them, to save them from despair, to give them good grades, and to be the point of change in their lives. However, the first step to all of your New Year’s resolutions should be really simple: learn to be kind to yourself. It will hurt when your heart is shattered in the first week of January or when your exam results are not what you expected, so be kind with yourself when you set your expectations. But, more importantly, be nice to yourself, no matter who or what you let impact you.
I pray the best for myself and for anyone who’s taking the time to read this post; thank you, by the way, for sticking until the end. I know my writing gets tedious to read after a while, so thank you for your time. I hope we all make peace with our pain and forgive ourselves for all the times we thought we screwed up; aren’t we all just humans at the end of the day?
I hope that when you count your blessings this year, you won’t forget to include the blessings of the past years that only make sense now.
Happy New Year, and may all your New Year wishes come true!
s o y a w r i t e s 