Serenity in Love

I was sitting at the bench at tasik sorting my thoughts after completing my last test, and it was the hardest one. Haihhhh. Then, I noticed that I hadn’t written anything yet for this month, so I’m sincerely attempting to make myself write this. It bothers me to write this because suddenly everything is a flurry of good times and bad times, intertwined, and you finally realise that life isn’t about the good and bad things running in parallel with one another, but a mixture of all the in-betweens.

In 2024, I started learning that everything you choose to do is an investment. What do you do with your time? What do you do with your money? What do you do with your passion? Most importantly, what do you do with your love?

I might have gone through some rocky roads, but I still have so much love in me—for myself and to be given away to the ones deserving of it.

I read somewhere that when you love, you should love with all your heart. Love, despite the fact that it might break you and scar you for life, Love, despite not getting the same energy from the person you love. Love as if it’s your last, so in the end, you no longer have regrets about not being enough. Love, because maybe one day you won’t feel an emotion as strong anymore, and at least the memory of it will keep you at ease, knowing you once had an opportunity to love and you did not let a second of it go to waste.

I learned that there is always, always enough love to go around. I used to see random Instagram posts on my Explore page saying, “There are still so many people you haven’t met; so many people you have yet to love,” and I would think to myself, “That’s impossible.” Because truly, I thought I’d had my fair share of friends that I hold dear and company that I would like to keep. I don’t think I could ever be thankful enough for all the times that I felt truly seen for the things I love, for the person I am, for my fears and sorrows, and for how they accepted me wholly throughout it all.

A good friend told me that there is no such thing as being ruined because of love. There will only be lessons to be learned, and nothing less. I trust her because it is true. The pain can only take you and crumble you if you allow it.

I know there are some things that are far easier said than done. Sometimes, if it hurts you, then it hurts you. There will not be a single person who can convince you that your pain is meaningless or misplaced, unless you step up and tell yourself it’s not worth the tears anymore. But again, it’s always easy to tell ourselves that we are mourning the absence of something that brings us no good, but it’ll never be as easy to convince the heart. The mind always accepts what the heart refuses to.

There will be days when other people’s behaviour towards us is really hurtful and seriously messes up our feelings. Or maybe even other people’s decisions that impact us negatively. Anything that makes you feel small, worthless, feeling like you’re not enough or not important. Some people are lucky to be born unbothered, but if you’re like me, who is easily affected by these things, this one’s for you.

People say and do hurtful things all the time, sometimes knowingly, sometimes subconsciously. Whenever I come across a situation like this, I always think, what if I myself had done this to other people, I just didn’t realize it. Or maybe they’re not in their best state, so they need space for themselves to find clarity again.

People end up doing things that hurt us or doing things that we wish they didn’t do. We cannot control other people’s choices. Sometimes those choices hurt us deeply. But Allah taught us through them that we can only control what is within our grasp, and we have to learn to let go of what isn’t.

In the event that you are hurting, though, don’t stop yourself from hurting. Crawl in bed and under the covers, and let the tears and pain overtake you. It will hurt, and the pain will continue pounding in your chest, but at least you will remember it. You will vow to never again experience the same pain, and you will be more cautious of your heart. You will learn that you lost nothing but instead gained a whole new understanding of what it means to be strong.

Sometimes I am constantly reminded that for any problem that I have, how long is it going to last? These things give me a little bit of comfort that whatever trial Allah has picked for me, whatever loss Allah has picked for me, whatever experience Allah has picked for me, is something I am supposed to learn from. Learn and grow.

But I also learned that you cannot always be happy. Ibu told me this: “He gives you some; he takes some. You are happy for one thing and sad for another. That’s his way of keeping you grounded and grateful. He wants you to remain His good servant with humility. If every single thing goes right, then what is there for us to learn from?”

No truer words have been said. Indeed, perhaps in my happiness I have ignored certain parts of life that I shouldn’t have, and the sadness has kept me grounded and reminded me of my focus and my priorities. But He would never let you go through something you could not bear, so regardless of how sad and in despair you are, remember that and bear in mind that the bad days will eventually pass.

Learn to be happy with your own happiness. It’s difficult; trust me, I’m still learning too. But the pain and sadness can be temporary if you want them to be. Be strong from all perspectives possible.

After all, no one can love and care for you more than yourself.