Ending my Deactivate-Reactivate Cycle

So, funny story. I’ve been on this weird, endless cycle of trying to deactivate all my social media accounts. Like, I don’t even know why anymore. One day I wake up feeling like the world is just too much, and the next thing I know, I’m hovering over that deactivate button like it’s my life’s mission. Overwhelmed? Check. Feeling left out? Double check. Insecure? Oh, we’re hitting a home run with that one. It’s a sad truth that hits me right in the feels every time.

This whole thing isn’t exactly new for me, though. Since high school, whenever life starts to feel like a chaotic mess, I’ve found myself clicking that deactivate button. Poof! Gone. And to be honest, I’m not even what you’d call a “social media person.” I’m more like that friend who lurks in the background, occasionally liking stories or posts but not really joining in on the fun. But I’m genuinely happy seeing my friends post about their achievements and all the wonderful things happening in their lives. But here’s where the plot thickens, I sometimes feel like I have nothing worth sharing.

Is it just me, or do all my small wins feel like they don’t count? I mean, where’s my “I baked something today and didn’t burn it to a crisp, even though it’s the same thing I always bake” post? Is that an achievement? Should I be sharing that?! Then there’s the inevitable moment when I start overthinking about my followers. I’m constantly worried that I’m being annoying by over-updating on social media. And honestly, I can’t stress enough how there are a few people I just can’t bring myself to remove from the followers list. Why? Who knows! I mean, I’m totally fine with them being there, but a part of me keeps wondering if I really want them seeing all my random updates. Urgh, I know, I’m so complicated. Haha.

Anyway, back to the topic before I start spiraling. Every time I deactivate, I forget one major downside: I lose all the memories I should have saved there. It’s like waking up from few months nap and realising you’ve missed everything. Then I’m scrolling through my archive (because that’s where I go when life feels a little “meh”), only to find out that I haven’t uploaded a story in months. MONTHS. And what’s worse? I forgot everything that happened during those times! Like, what did I even do? Where’s that cute story my friend made of me? What were all those moments I wanted to look back on and laugh about?

It’s honestly tragic. I thought I was mature enough to outgrow this whole deactivate-reactivate cycle, but here I am, still in it. Maybe I don’t need to hit that button every time I feel a little overwhelmed like it’s some magical solution to all my problems. Maybe. Just maybe. I can learn to manage these feelings without running away. It’s okay if I’m not feeling great; I don’t have to open the app. It’s literally up to me. Why am I making life so complicated? I need to stop being so hard on myself and figure out how to live with all the feelings instead of always trying to escape them. I mean, seriously, how long am I going to keep doing this deactivate-reactivate dance? It’s exhausting, and honestly, I’m tired of it.

So, the past few weeks, I’ve been trying something new. Instead of vanishing from the internet, I’ve started sharing everything on my close friends list on Instagram, whether it’s random thoughts, the food I’ve cooked, or weird thoughts that pop into my head. Sometimes, you just need to vent or share a random thought so it doesn’t weigh on your mind. Plus, I’m making an effort to celebrate my small wins, no matter how silly they seem. For ages, I battled with the whole idea of being silly. Let’s be real it can be a real challenge to embrace your silly side! But you know what? People actually don’t mind when you’re a bit daft. So, I decided to throw caution to the wind and started posting the most random things on TikTok, complete with the silliest songs I could find. I mean, why not? At the end of the day, just share whatever brings you joy. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Life’s too short to take yourself seriously!

I also made a bold move and unfollowed a few people who I used to look up to but now just make me feel… well, not great. You know those girls who seem to have it all together? The ones who are achieving all the things you secretly want for yourself? Yeah, I followed a lot of them, but it turns out, constantly comparing myself to their highlight reels wasn’t doing me any favours. Sometimes, I found myself feeling inadequate just by comparing their lives to mine. I suppose this is all part of life. There are moments when you don’t feel inspired and instead find yourself battling envy, wishing your life was as smooth as someone else’s. So now, I just remind myself that it’s okay to know who they are without needing to know everything about their lives. Plus, it gives me the space I need to stop feeling insecure about my own journey.

So yeah, I’m still figuring things out, but one thing’s for sure I’m done with the whole deactivate-reactivate cycle. It’s time to live life without constantly feeling like I need to hide from it.