Nineteen

07 October 2024

I guess I had the simplest birthday ever. Yesterday, I had a simple meal of kuetiau goreng with abang before heading to uni. Mama made nasi kerabu for lunch, and for some reason, it tasted better than usual, there was something about it that just hit differently, like every bite was extra special and unbelievably sedap. It was nothing fancy, just a quiet moment in the midst of everything. Ibu wished me happy birthday from her hospital bed, and I can’t explain how much that meant. Please, if you’re reading this, pray for her. I know I’ve asked for this a lot, but I’m really hoping someone’s doa will be granted. This time, it’s hard to hide just how sad I am about my birthday. For the first time, I let it sink in. Sometimes, I’m scared of growing up because growing up feels like losing more people or things. Can I just stay 17 forever?

Today, honestly, felt like a really sad birthday. I woke up to messages from close friends on iMessage, which was sweet. I spent most of the day in bed, just reflecting on everything. A few close friends sent me paragraphs, heartfelt ones, and those messages carried me through the morning. By noon, Far and Nadiea came by with slices of cake, and for a moment, things felt a little lighter. We sat, we talked, and I realised just how much these little moments matter.

After Far and Nadiea, Qis, Ecah, and Iffah showed up, and honestly, they just made my day even better. They brought me small pancakes and even bought me Mixue. It’s funny how something so simple can lift your mood entirely. What made it even more special was that all of them actually sang me a birthday song. I didn’t expect any of this, and the fact that they went out of their way to do something so sweet, well, it just hit differently.

There’s something about being celebrated in small ways by the people you care about. It’s not the cakes or the Mixue, though those were great, but more about the thought behind it. It’s like they knew I needed a little extra love today, and that’s exactly what they gave me. It was nothing extravagant, just cakes, pancakes, ice cream, and a song, but it was everything I needed.

I guess birthdays aren’t about big parties or extravagant plans. I should be happy with a celebration like this which small, intimate, surrounded by people who truly care. And I am happy. I really am. It’s just that sometimes, happiness comes with layers of other emotions too, and that’s okay.

Being 19 isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Lately, I’ve started to see things differently, noticing how many opportunities slipped through my fingers not because I wasn’t capable, but maybe because this is just how it’s meant to be. I’m realising that trying to juggle everything at once can be overwhelming, and maybe I’m not built for that right now.

October really has a way of bringing out my softer side. I don’t know why, but it feels like all my emotions are heightened this month. I’m sad, and I cry. I’m happy, and I cry. It’s been like navigating an emotional rollercoaster, and honestly, it hasn’t been easy far from it. There have been so many breakdowns, days where I’m too afraid to admit what’s really going on inside my head.

Sometimes, the only way I can make sense of things is by writing about them. But even then, I hold so much back, filtering my emotions because it feels safer that way. The truth is, people don’t see me fully, not really. I write here, pouring out my thoughts, knowing that the people closest to me might never truly understand how I feel. It’s a strange contradiction, isn’t it? It’s almost like saying, “I’m not okay, but you’ll only know if you read my blog!”

In the end, what I need most from my 19-year-old self is to stay strong, to hold on through the ups and downs, and to stop being so hard on herself. I want her to embrace life, the messy, unpredictable parts of it and understand that it’s okay to stumble, to cry, to feel a little lost sometimes. She doesn’t have to have everything figured out right now. This is her time to learn, to grow, and to give herself the grace to make mistakes along the way. There’s so much more ahead, and she deserves to navigate it with a little more kindness toward herself.

So, that’s my not-so-little rant about my birthday. I’ve decided to give myself a few months to regain my full potential. Thanks for sticking around. And if you liked this, feel free to check out my other blogs. Oh, and remember don’t struggle in silence. Even if you feel like no one’s listening, someone will listen. And if all else fails, you’ve always got me… and this blog.