Halfway Through 2025

I didn’t even realise it was already July until someone said “nak masuk bulan tujuh dah,” and my brain just… paused. Like, how? How did we get here? I swear I was just writing new year resolutions I half-meant and now suddenly we’re halfway through the year, and I’m… somewhere in between “doing okay” and “mentally tired but pretending not to be.”

This year has been weird. Not horrible, but not great either. Just… heavy in places. Light in some. Fast in ways I couldn’t catch up with. Slow in ways that made everything feel ten times louder. There are still days I feel like I’m functioning on autopilot; waking up, showing up, getting things done, but deep down still feeling disconnected from everything, including myself.

I’m still struggling with studying. That hasn’t changed much. I try, I genuinely do, but some days my brain just refuses to cooperate. It’s hard not to beat myself up over it. I keep thinking I should’ve been more disciplined, more productive, more… together. Tapi end up baring my teeth at my laptop like it’s the enemy. Then feeling guilty. Then pretending I’m fine. Then repeat. And I think that’s something my 12-year-old self wouldn’t have believed. That the girl who always had answers, who was once praised for how clever she was, she’s just okay now. She’s just figuring things out. And somehow, I’m slowly grateful for it. Because being “the smart one” always came with pressure. Expectations. Eyes waiting to see what you’ll do next. Now, I’m just doing things for myself.

Another thing I’ve been silently dealing with is how I’m naturally shy.. I always have been… but somehow ended up taking on responsibilities that require me to be seen. To lead. To speak. To show up even when I feel like hiding. Being president was something I took with honour, yes, but also a lot of fear. I love the events, I love seeing things come to life, I love the warmth of it all but I still hate that my first thought walking into a room is, “What are people thinking about me?” I wish I was brave enough to not care. I wish I walked in like I belonged. But most of the time, I walk in quietly, hoping no one’s judging the way I talk, or stand, or exist. It’s exhausting, that overthinking. That constant battle between wanting to be present and wanting to disappear.

There are days I wish ibu was still here so badly, I don’t know what to do with myself. Not for anything huge, just for those moments where I want to hear her voice. Where I want her to ask if I’ve eaten. Where I want to tell her something completely unimportant just to hear her laugh. I miss calling her. I miss ordering her GrabFood when I was far away. I miss feeling like someone was always rooting for me, even on the days I wasn’t doing anything worth rooting for. Sometimes I wonder what she’d think of me now. I wonder if she’d say she’s proud. I wonder if she’d tell me to rest, even when I haven’t done much. I think grief changes shape, but it never fully leaves. It just shows up differently, in empty phone calls, in familiar meals, in silences that used to feel full. It sits in me quietly now, but it’s still there. Especially in moments I wish I could share with her.

I thought I’d be someone else by now, maybe more confident, more stable, less emotionally swayed. But if I’m being honest, I’ve fallen back into a few habits I promised I wouldn’t. Saying yes too easily. Carrying responsibilities I don’t even like. Bottling things up because “tak nak menyusahkan orang.” And yet, I also feel like I’ve grown. Not loudly. Just in small, personal ways. Like how I don’t panic being alone anymore. How silence doesn’t scare me like it used to. How I no longer refresh my messages to see if someone’s thinking of me. I just let people be. I let myself be. And that felt like a kind of freedom I didn’t know I needed.

Halfway through 2025, and I’m not in my best shape. But I’m softer now. Less desperate to prove something. More okay with not having the answers. More patient with myself. I still get mad over the things I chose, still overthink my decisions, still care too much about things I shouldn’t but I recover faster. I forgive myself quicker. I’ve started expecting less from people, not out of coldness, but because I finally understand that not everyone is meant to stay. Not everyone will get it. And that’s okay. I rest anyway.

If the next half of the year feels anything like this, I just want to meet it with gentleness. I want to laugh more. To worry less. To care deeply, but not cling. To love things fully, even if they’re temporary. And most of all, I want to keep becoming someone I actually enjoy being around even when no one else is watching.

Because I’m not who I was at the start of this year. And that version of me… would be relieved to know we made it this far.