Author: sophea's

In the quiet of the night, around 3 a.m., thoughts often hit me hard. It’s like my mind comes alive when the world is asleep. Tonight, I found myself thinking about how I never seem to be anyone’s first choice. I’ve had good friends throughout my life, but there’s always this feeling that none of them are really there for me all the time. Each friend sees a different part of me, but no one sees all of me.

I think about how each friend brings out a different side of me. There’s no one person who is always there, seeing me through all my ups and downs. It’s like I have to split myself into pieces, showing only what each friend can handle or what they need from me. It makes me feel lonely sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by people. I can’t help but wonder if anyone will ever know the whole me.

Maybe it all stemmed from my childhood, where love sometimes felt scarce. Or maybe it was because I had this habit of dreaming big and expecting more from life and people than maybe I should have. Someone once asked me why I go out of my way to help others so much. He wonder if I’m just trying to please people. But if I don’t do it, who will? I feel like it’s my job because no one else would do it for them. Yet, even though I do so much, I rarely feel like it’s reciprocated.

As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about my life. Is this what life means for me? Always giving and not getting much in return? It’s a tough lesson to learn, but maybe it’s important. Maybe life isn’t about what others give back to me, but about what I give to them.

This generally relates to my friendships. Friendships are a big part of my life, but lately, I’ve been feeling uncomfortable. I feel like I have to explain my feelings every day, and it’s starting to weigh on me. It’s like I’m never enough for anyone, and maybe I’m just overreacting, but the discomfort is hard to ignore.

Mel once told me that I needed to be good on my own, a statement that resonated deeply with me. It made me realise that I have always been on my own, but the difference now is whether I’m okay with it or not. This self-reflection brought me back to something Qila said that I believe is the biggest reason for my problem: I’m afraid to express my feelings. This fear has had a profound impact on my friendships. I’ve come to see that by not being expressive, I don’t fit well into most of my friendships.

I tend to hide my feelings because, deep down, I don’t want people to see this side of me. I worry that my sensitivity might annoy others, so I keep my true emotions to myself. But this habit of hiding my feelings has consequences. By not being expressive, I’ve lost the spark in my friendships. I’ve become someone who doesn’t show their true self, and I fear this makes me seem boring.

There’s a constant tug-of-war between wanting to be authentic and fearing the potential consequences of vulnerability. I often find myself grappling with questions like, “Will they still like me if they see this side of me?” or “What if they think I’m too emotional or needy?”

Not being open about my feelings has led to shallow connections. My friends don’t get to see the real me, the person who cares deeply and feels intensely. Instead, they see a version of me that is always trying to keep things light and easy, never letting them in on my deeper thoughts and emotions. This has made me feel isolated, even when I’m surrounded by people.

I remember times when I desperately wanted to share how I truly felt but held back out of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of rejection. But each time I withheld my emotions, I felt a piece of myself drifting further away from my friends. It’s a lonely feeling to know that I’m not fully known by the people who matter to me the most.

The struggle to be expressive is a constant battle within me. On one hand, I crave deep connections and understanding. On the other hand, the fear of being vulnerable holds me back. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing that taking the leap could lead to something beautiful, but being paralysed by the fear of falling.

Each day, I put on a mask, hiding my true emotions behind a facade of calm and composure. I smile and laugh, engaging in conversations, but inside, I’m often yearning to share more, to let my friends see the real me. Yet, the fear of their reactions keeps me silent. Will they still like me if they see how sensitive I am? Will they understand my insecurities, or will they see me as weak and overly emotional?

I’ve built up walls over the years, and tearing them down feels almost impossible at times. The walls provide a sense of safety and a barrier against potential hurt and rejection. But they also keep me trapped in a cycle of loneliness and misunderstanding. The very thing I use to protect myself is what isolates me the most.

I think about the few times I’ve managed to open up and let a friend see a glimpse of my true self. Those moments were terrifying yet incredibly freeing. The connections felt deeper and more genuine. But they were rare, and each time, I had to muster immense courage to be vulnerable. It’s exhausting to constantly battle with my own fears and push against the instinct to hide.

Despite this realisation, it’s still a struggle for me to be open about my emotions. I’ve built up walls over the years, and tearing them down is a slow and painful process. But I know it’s necessary. I need to show my friends the real me, the one who feels deeply and cares passionately. I need to let them see my sensitivity and understand that it’s a part of who I am.

On a random Sabtu, today, I took a KTM to Qis’s house to beraya. While waiting to reach Bangi, I scrolled through Pinterest and found this quote. It hit me hard.

It was talking about how we spend so much time moping about what we don’t do with our lives. It got me thinking about my own journey—how I’d dreamed big but ended up taking a different path, sometimes out of fear or just because life happened.

But then, in that moment, something clicked. I realised that all those choices, even the ones that didn’t lead where I wanted, were part of my story. So, I decided to stop beating myself up about what could’ve been and start focusing on what still could be.

I started small, saying yes to new things and trying stuff I’d always wanted to do. I’m naturally shy. I made an effort to strike up conversations with people, even if it felt awkward at first. And you know what? It wasn’t as scary as I thought.

I also made a point to do more of the things I love, whether it was baking, gardening, or just curling up with a good book. It was like rediscovering pieces of myself that I’d forgotten about. Instead of letting opportunities slip by just because they didn’t fit into my preconceived notion of what I wanted, I started seizing them with both hands. 

With each new experience, I felt lighter, like I was shedding all that regret and embracing the excitement of the unknown. I realised that making peace with my unlived life wasn’t about looking back—it was about living in the moment and being open to whatever comes next.

And you know what? It’s made all the difference. With each new experience, I feel a little braver and a little more alive. Because now I know that life isn’t about sticking to a script—it’s about writing your own story, one adventure at a time.

I was sitting at the bench at tasik sorting my thoughts after completing my last test, and it was the hardest one. Haihhhh. Then, I noticed that I hadn’t written anything yet for this month, so I’m sincerely attempting to make myself write this. It bothers me to write this because suddenly everything is a flurry of good times and bad times, intertwined, and you finally realise that life isn’t about the good and bad things running in parallel with one another, but a mixture of all the in-betweens.

In 2024, I started learning that everything you choose to do is an investment. What do you do with your time? What do you do with your money? What do you do with your passion? Most importantly, what do you do with your love?

I might have gone through some rocky roads, but I still have so much love in me—for myself and to be given away to the ones deserving of it.

I read somewhere that when you love, you should love with all your heart. Love, despite the fact that it might break you and scar you for life, Love, despite not getting the same energy from the person you love. Love as if it’s your last, so in the end, you no longer have regrets about not being enough. Love, because maybe one day you won’t feel an emotion as strong anymore, and at least the memory of it will keep you at ease, knowing you once had an opportunity to love and you did not let a second of it go to waste.

I learned that there is always, always enough love to go around. I used to see random Instagram posts on my Explore page saying, “There are still so many people you haven’t met; so many people you have yet to love,” and I would think to myself, “That’s impossible.” Because truly, I thought I’d had my fair share of friends that I hold dear and company that I would like to keep. I don’t think I could ever be thankful enough for all the times that I felt truly seen for the things I love, for the person I am, for my fears and sorrows, and for how they accepted me wholly throughout it all.

A good friend told me that there is no such thing as being ruined because of love. There will only be lessons to be learned, and nothing less. I trust her because it is true. The pain can only take you and crumble you if you allow it.

I know there are some things that are far easier said than done. Sometimes, if it hurts you, then it hurts you. There will not be a single person who can convince you that your pain is meaningless or misplaced, unless you step up and tell yourself it’s not worth the tears anymore. But again, it’s always easy to tell ourselves that we are mourning the absence of something that brings us no good, but it’ll never be as easy to convince the heart. The mind always accepts what the heart refuses to.

There will be days when other people’s behaviour towards us is really hurtful and seriously messes up our feelings. Or maybe even other people’s decisions that impact us negatively. Anything that makes you feel small, worthless, feeling like you’re not enough or not important. Some people are lucky to be born unbothered, but if you’re like me, who is easily affected by these things, this one’s for you.

People say and do hurtful things all the time, sometimes knowingly, sometimes subconsciously. Whenever I come across a situation like this, I always think, what if I myself had done this to other people, I just didn’t realize it. Or maybe they’re not in their best state, so they need space for themselves to find clarity again.

People end up doing things that hurt us or doing things that we wish they didn’t do. We cannot control other people’s choices. Sometimes those choices hurt us deeply. But Allah taught us through them that we can only control what is within our grasp, and we have to learn to let go of what isn’t.

In the event that you are hurting, though, don’t stop yourself from hurting. Crawl in bed and under the covers, and let the tears and pain overtake you. It will hurt, and the pain will continue pounding in your chest, but at least you will remember it. You will vow to never again experience the same pain, and you will be more cautious of your heart. You will learn that you lost nothing but instead gained a whole new understanding of what it means to be strong.

Sometimes I am constantly reminded that for any problem that I have, how long is it going to last? These things give me a little bit of comfort that whatever trial Allah has picked for me, whatever loss Allah has picked for me, whatever experience Allah has picked for me, is something I am supposed to learn from. Learn and grow.

But I also learned that you cannot always be happy. Ibu told me this: “He gives you some; he takes some. You are happy for one thing and sad for another. That’s his way of keeping you grounded and grateful. He wants you to remain His good servant with humility. If every single thing goes right, then what is there for us to learn from?”

No truer words have been said. Indeed, perhaps in my happiness I have ignored certain parts of life that I shouldn’t have, and the sadness has kept me grounded and reminded me of my focus and my priorities. But He would never let you go through something you could not bear, so regardless of how sad and in despair you are, remember that and bear in mind that the bad days will eventually pass.

Learn to be happy with your own happiness. It’s difficult; trust me, I’m still learning too. But the pain and sadness can be temporary if you want them to be. Be strong from all perspectives possible.

After all, no one can love and care for you more than yourself.

I haven’t written in a long time, but I still write mainly for myself; sometimes I feel like by writing, I’m convincing myself that I’m fine more than anybody else. This month has seen my happy streak go longer than any previous month in 2023, but I’m realising that if I just know happiness, I’ll never be able to learn or appreciate what I have. I’m also grateful that we’re on semester break right now; I really needed some time to sit and think about all that transpired this year. It’s been a tough one, indeed.

I’m not proud of how I’ve presented myself in 2023. For the most part, I was returning to the person I had pledged not to be. I held myself back, had difficulty inserting self-deprecating thoughts, and let my fear of other people’s perceptions keep me from being my actual self.

This year has been challenging for me, and I don’t think I’ve given myself enough credit for how I’ve survived. From January to March, it was a constant academic battle that included numerous mental breakdowns in between. I went into April expecting it to be a pleasant moment after such a demanding last high school year, but what I didn’t anticipate was to realise that post-SPM is a break that may shatter you if you’re not cautious. Being alone with only my thoughts and no one to dispute them was a genuine test for which I was unprepared. I travelled back and forth to the hospital since Ibu was not doing well. Following that, bring Ibu on her daily clinic visit in Puchong. All of the household duties that need to be completed. For me, it was a never-ending cycle of exhaustion. Nevertheless, I’m still glad I learned a lot of stuff. Of course, take up cooking! And that leads to a great deal of disagreement with Ibu. Haha. But I am growing so much and have learned a lot of cooking hacks along the way! To be honest, in spite of all of these struggles, I should be glad enough, but because I was always comparing myself to other people, I sometimes lost faith in myself. I don’t think I accomplished much or had a particularly fascinating life. I still haven’t fully recovered from that, but I’m learning to accept the person I am and be proud of how far I’ve come over the years. I’m also teaching myself to counter my own destructive thoughts.

The SPM result is nearing as June approaches. To tell you the truth, I doubt I will ever be able to fully prepare for results day. The row of alphabets on the slip I’ll be receiving on that day will irrevocably determine my path for all the years I have ahead. Sadly, I didn’t receive straight A’s, but I’m grateful for what I got. Perhaps one misplaced A could lead me to a place where I can shine. After all, success should not be solely defined by numbers, rankings, or status. The positive influence you have on those around you, your general enjoyment of what you do, your relationships with your family and friends, and other metrics are also important. In the end, it all goes back to what truly brings meaning to life and to you.

For me, July and August were really difficult months. Making a lot of important life decisions. Going through lots of assessments of scholarships and being rejected by the majority of them. I sobbed a lot and wished for a miracle to come so I could bear the agony of not achieving my high school dreams. It’s really exhausting to decide what to study and to explain my future plans to the elderly, who just have no idea what course I am interested in pursuing. I broke down in a dilemma. I tried to convince Ibu, called my closest friends, and spent the whole day pondering my choices and options. Today, I look back and don’t regret my choice. It’s true that occasionally I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if I had made a different decision, but I can honestly say that I’m relieved that I don’t have as much on my plate and can now focus on more time for myself. With Ah’s wedding approaching, my anxious days have been replaced with delight. I was quite busy helping Ahh with her wedding. Sharing my preferences on a variety of topics. I have to admit that I experienced mixed emotions. I believe that boundaries play a role when someone enters an entirely different phase of life, just as Ah is becoming a wife.

I started university studies at the end of September. Interacting with new individuals. Yes, I feel like I’m living again when I get to chat with more than two people a day. The initial weeks weren’t great. Keep comparing everything with my high school life. Maybe I am just adapting. Feeling a bit empty. Sometimes it’s okay to feel empty, and you are the only one who is capable of helping yourself feel whole again. It seems so overwhelming every day. I find that my mind and my heart have been engaged in a constant war. I have no idea if it’s the hormones or if it’s simply because I’ve been so distracted from my sadness these past couple of months, but in September, especially, everything feels like a raging battle of my conscience. Sometimes I wish time would pass more quickly. This taught me that it is normal to fear the prospect of going to new, uncharted territory. There is nothing wrong with how abnormal the pace of your heart becomes when the thought of exiting your comfort zone hits you in the middle of the night.

October was more of an adjustment month for me. It was not an easy task. In my attempt to fix myself, I painted a different confident smile every day and got myself super, super busy. It was difficult to get busy because it’s the first semester, and honestly, I couldn’t even distract myself by studying because there was not much to do, but I tried as I might. PTAR is suddenly my second favourite spot. Even on non-class days, I can’t help but feel bad for not working efficiently because, most of the day, I was boring. It’s funny how I unintentionally seem like a rajin girl. My favourite October memory is supporting Ecah as she competes in the Mathematics Showdown. It was in high school that I last made such support signs out of cartons. Overall, I simply want to be that good at answering math questions. I wished I had her brain when I was answering calculus paper.

November and December are typically the months when I feel most like myself. Increasingly hectic due to tests, a tonne of assignments, and activities since I joined the faculty club. Never-ending night meeting. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that I have not been stressed about things since high school, yet here I am in the same situation. Despite the fact that I am finding it very difficult to handle the event, I am truly delighted that I have met some wonderful people there. Also, I gained a lot of laughs. More than just an escape from sadness and misery, it gives me the courage and strength that open my eyes to new possibilities and meanings.

You’ll see that many people want 2024 to be nicer to them, to save them from despair, to give them good grades, and to be the point of change in their lives. However, the first step to all of your New Year’s resolutions should be really simple: learn to be kind to yourself. It will hurt when your heart is shattered in the first week of January or when your exam results are not what you expected, so be kind with yourself when you set your expectations. But, more importantly, be nice to yourself, no matter who or what you let impact you.

I pray the best for myself and for anyone who’s taking the time to read this post; thank you, by the way, for sticking until the end. I know my writing gets tedious to read after a while, so thank you for your time. I hope we all make peace with our pain and forgive ourselves for all the times we thought we screwed up; aren’t we all just humans at the end of the day?

I hope that when you count your blessings this year, you won’t forget to include the blessings of the past years that only make sense now.

Happy New Year, and may all your New Year wishes come true!