The past weeks has been so uncertain and casted so many doubts. One of my friends was highlighting me for being too private about my life. The majority of my friends are responding to my Instagram stories by asking how my life is doing. Sincerely, I feel as though I have nothing to say. I feel like the updates about my life are not at all fascinating. Every day, I continue to do the same thing. It seems so overwhelming every day.
Lately, I find that my mind and my heart have been engaged in a constant war. I have no idea if it’s the hormones or if it’s simply because I’ve been so distracted from my sadness these past couple of months, but this week especially, everything feels like a raging battle of my conscience. Sometimes I wish time would pass more quickly. Life has been monotonous, miserable, and dissatisfying.
Sometimes, I think I used up most of my positivity pills in the earlier half of the year because life was such a breeze then. At this point, everything feels too heavy. Even if you tell me to take things one at a time, I don’t have the energy to do it. I want to do absolutely nothing.
I’ll be honest: I’ve lost parts of myself. There were things I used to enjoy in the earlier half of the year, like writing, long days of reading, and baking, that eventually felt like a routine that I was growing out of, and nothing hurts your ego more than losing interest in the very things that kept you going in the first place.
I haven’t been writing for so long, but I still write mostly for myself — sometimes I feel like by writing, I’m convincing myself to be okay more than anyone else. Getting through all this roller coaster ride of emotions made me learn a great deal about myself, unlearn some perspectives that I’ve thought to be true for the longest time, and seek comfort in the ones I love.
Some days, I’d get angry at myself for not being okay, as if it was wrong to be a little bit sad at times. Like I said, I was unnecessarily hard on myself.
I have been hard on myself because it seems like the only subject everyone cares to talk about now is tertiary education. I cannot seem to stress enough how important it is to stop competing on everyone else’s ground and just breathe!
Stop comparing others’ successes to yours and start thinking of how to best nurture yourself to be just as successful, if not more successful, than said people. Stop living your life in the clouds of another person’s dreams and build your own from whatever remnants of hope there are left before you feel as if you’ve reached the point of giving up. There is nothing more fulfilling than doing something for your own sake.
At the end of the day, I realised that no matter how many times I tell people I want to be genuinely happy, it will not happen if I trap myself in the same depressing pit and torment myself about things that have happened that I can’t change.
I am teaching myself that there are people that I have to leave behind and that it is possible to make peace with the bygones while making space for what lies beyond. There are dreams that are not meant to be, and there are pathways that are not meant for me.
It takes a whole lot of peace to be happy with where you are now, and even now, I am not yet as happy as I’d like to be, but that’s life, isn’t it? It is most definitely not a stroll in the park, and there were days where I felt most at loss and questioned my own choices, to the extent that it suffocated my chest, but it brought me comfort to know that there is always more to come. There are more people to love. There are better days ahead.
The past few nights have been difficult. I’m usually in bed by 11, but I’d toss and turn until 1 am just thinking of what might unfold on the eighth of June. I believe the same can be said for most SPM ’22 candidates, except perhaps a lucky few.
The wait is finally coming to a close. Quite a number of people are already having dreams about results day. I’m thankful I haven’t had any, or else I’d constantly be contemplating whether it’s a glimpse into the future or just a reflection of my worries. To tell you the truth, I doubt I will ever be able to fully prepare for results day. The row of alphabets on the slip I’ll be receiving on Thursday will irrevocably determine my path for all the years I have ahead. Didn’t get straight As will cut various crossroads into my way and just that they deviate from the original route I planned on trailing.
The fact that I’m concerned about this reveals one thing- I’m too rigid with my goals. Perhaps I’ve always planned too far into the future over the years. I’ve always been a person who is only interested in one vision. As a result, I become discouraged if fate goes against the goals I’ve chosen to ingrain. So, for a change, I’m persuading myself to be more open to whatever life throws at me and to be okay with being impulsive. To comprehend that life rarely follows a straight line and that beautiful things can happen in unexpected directions.
To everyone awaiting results, I hope you’ll be able to sleep well in the two nights we have leading up to 8/6. I hope you keep in mind that you gave each of your papers your all, that you did your best, and that you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. The road to success isn’t only one. From here, maybe our paths will be different, and our avenues will begin to diverge according to the paths we’re meant to take. It’s never a contest of who has more As. Even in college, it’s not just about whose decimal point is closer to a 4. Success should not be solely defined by numbers, rankings, or status. The positive influence you have on those around you, your general enjoyment of what you do, your relationships with your family and friends, and other metrics are also important. Life is more than just one’s SPM results, one’s degree, one’s job, one’s paycheck, one’s collection of cars on the driveway and the likes of it. In the end, it all goes back to what truly brings meaning to life, and to you.
In whichever path you pursue, endure and persevere with adamant strength and unwavering hope. What’s yours will always be yours. I pray that you be successful, if not now, then soon, when He deems it best.
will start this writing with a picture of me & principal’s cekodok!
I’ve been watching videos of my batchmates – both funny and sad. It’s funny how even at this point, it still hasn’t struck me that school is really over and by the time holiday season ends, I won’t be among the schoolkids complaining about going back.
My high school experience might differ from other people; after all, no two schools are carbon copies of one another and every person will have their own outtake on high school. Ever since forever though, people have been telling me that my high school years would be the best time of my life and as of now, I couldn’t agree more. Every day, I had my batchmates constantly telling me that out there, I won’t have people who would remind me to study, to perform my ibadah, to constantly pull me back from making big mistakes and I’ve never really taken them seriously. I guess now I have to accept reality, like it or not.
If you ask me how I feel about my high school experience, I’d say unequivocally that I despise it. Every time I say it, my voice automatically takes on a sour tone. But in reality, I have a lot to be thankful for. There are times when I’m extremely cheerful, snickering with my friends, and there are times when I’m exceptionally miserable, and seeing a counsellor was the only option I had. What I did in high school is something I’ll never do again. Even if I could, it would never be the same. Nothing would ever be the same as I thought when Ibu’s car drove off the school grounds for good.
So here is a list of things that I would miss in high school;
The five of us
alhamdulillah, we made it — 08 june
With these girls, I have certainly experienced both highs and lows, but they’re also the ones I don’t have to talk to every day to connect with. Sometimes, we went through weeks of not having proper conversations yet whenever we do talk, it’s as if time did not pass by at all. I’ll miss Alia who frequently layan-ed my emotional outbursts and who would chat with me for hours at times just to catch up on life, Farah who is usually the one who offers me the greatest advise even if she can’t figure out the solutions for her issues and has forever been a mother to me, Alin who continuously the final to laugh at the jokes but continuously tunes in to everything I have to say, and Nurin who never get tired making everyone giggling with her unendingly senseless jokes and will always encouraging me to go after my dreams. I never figured I would get this kind of friendship from TGS to TGB, plus they never change! Even now, they continue to argue and fight with me over insignificant matters, but these girls have supported me up to this point. There is nothing I dislike about this crowd, and I really will miss being around them. Whenever I’m close to tears or having a fit over my problems, these five would never cease to cheer me up and amuse me.
Students Disciplinary Council 21/22
The main concern I had last year was how I would handle the commitments that would undoubtedly fall on my plate. At first, it was really hard. Having to constantly push yourself to being better, smarter, and more capable. This is unchartered territory that’s meant to be uncomfortable for me. But it’s a unique opportunity to learn. I’m getting used to the idea that being a leader requires a lot of courage to forgive. However, I cannot emphasise enough how crucial it is to apply this consistently in life. There will be days when the actions of other people towards us will really hurt. Hearing rumours about people speaking lowly of you. Anything that makes you feel insignificant, worthless, inadequate, or unimportant. Some people are lucky to be born unbothered, but I am the one who is easily affected by these things. But it’s truly amazing how quickly time flies and how this year has transformed me into a person who doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of me.
If I could talk about LDP, I’m sure I could talk endlessly about my experiences as a LDP. There are times when I go through memories I’d like to keep forever; there are also memories I don’t want to remember at all. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received throughout my time here is something Ibu constantly says on the phone; the hardest part of being a leader is attempting to put yourself in the shoes of your followers, and that itself is one of the wisest things I have heard in my years here. Nothing came easy, but by the day’s end, leadership is never a simple strength to begin with at any rate. In fact, one of the things I’ll miss the most is being a LDP. I will miss the random meetings with MTs, especially those with Umar and Kujoi, who always arrive late. I will miss random jamuan with Meeya and Damia even if it’s just eating ice cream after PGG class. I will miss gossiping with my LDP Khadey, attending weekly block meetings, and making week-after-week reports for teachers reference. And the most tiring weeks of assisting teachers in selecting new LDP candidates for juniors. And of course, I couldn’t have survived the year without my MT friends, my ultimate girls, and the teachers, especially Teacher Asniza!
Damia
One of my biggest regrets in high school is not connecting with Damia earlier. A friend who is always there, always so selfless and ready to envelop me in a hug. Somehow, no matter how bad the day was for me or how miserable I felt in the morning, having breakfast with Damia and talking to her all the way back to the block after night prep would always bring me some sort of comfort. I always enjoy chatting with her and Nurin about gossip haha! I’ll definitely miss everything about her; from her non-stop bebelans and her sweet gestures & her never ending stories about her crush. And Alia, my favourite ball of happiness who never fails to keep us happy when we’re together. This friendship is indeed like no other and I am so, so grateful.
516’s
Sure, it’s one of the most competitive classes, and I’ve had my ups and downs being in the class, but nothing beats the fun we had together and all those sleepless nights we spent finishing our handouts for the sake of carrymarks, praying to God we wouldn’t get scolded by Teacher Arni in the next class. I will miss Amni babbling in class and Deeba always be a mother to all the class members. I will also never forget singing Beribu Sesalan with my classmates every day in class, especially the one led by Nurin and Alyani! I had some of the sweetest memories with this class, and it is definitely a blessing to be able to stay with the same group of people for two whole years.
KA20
We initially started off differently, but due to some technical changes, the four of us were grouped as roommates. Our class was supposed to be in a different block, but they initially accompanied me to Blok Khadijah. I have to admit that we couldn’t spend as much time with each other as we did last year, but I shall never forget all three of their temperaments. My personal favourite memory of these girls will always be the night we spent eating ramen together every weekend! And not forgetting our fifth room member, Aqish! Nevertheless, I never once regretted spending two years with this quartet because they’ve helped me so much, from supplying food whenever I ran out of snacks to teaching difficult sub-topics and finishing our homework together. Fun fact: they know how I look during mengigau!
Blok Khadijah
kita duty sampah je #
I still have no idea how I could survive being in Blok Khadijah. At first it was so awkward, since I was transferred to the block as they didn’t have enough LDP to work. I don’t know how to socialize at all! From the rules to the people, each block basically has a different style. But as the time goes by, I fit in really well with them and make new friends along the way. From Aisyah Atas to Khadijah Atas, I think there are many stories that cannot be described. I’m gonna miss bebel-ing every Sunday morning because they always leave the block late and I don’t get to breakfast, and it is always Nasi Lemak for breakfast on my day of duties! It was also through LDP that I learnt to bond with my other friends and, really, it makes the block experience all the more worthwhile when you enjoy the people you’re with. I will miss Ari, she was very understanding yet the best partner of block. I will miss KA16 and KA17!! I couldn’t have survived my high school without them. I’m gonna miss Durra’s tight hugs, messing with Tasha, Diyana’s laughs, teasing Khairin about her boyfriend, Balqis’s questions about everything, having some weighted conversations with Pika, and my everyday question of asking either Farah is in the room or not. I will, without doubt, miss everyone in Khadijah. I am also gonna miss cleaning the toilet with KA21 peeps, became a living alarm for Ain Sufiah for the whole weeks of exam, sweet gestures by 02 girls at study room and all random screaming in the middle of time. The weirdest mix-up of people ever, but it’s true when they say that the unlikeliest people make the best company.
Surau
so glad to get the opportunity to impart to others
I think I spent a lot of time at the surau! We complete our ibadah, attend classes, and even sleep in the surau. Surau is very important to me because it brings a lot of peace to my not-so-peaceful life there, haha! To be honest, there are times when I feel like my duties as a student outweigh those of a servant of Allah. Therefore, maintaining dunya and akhirat is always a crucial aspect that I find challenging to achieve. But with all my good friends and faith, thank God I managed it. I will miss going to the fardhu ain session on Friday afternoon with a sleepy face. I will likewise miss those naps I take between Maghrib and Isyak. I’ll also miss teasing my friends in Surau! Actually, I made a great number of friends at Surau, and I enjoy talking to friends because sometimes you just need a place to vent and people to talk to and usually it was friends who I haven’t held any conversations in quite a while, friends who seldom run into one another, friends who tattle a ton! Finally, Surau contains fundamental memories of my friends and me!
Physics class
Who would’ve thought that a class would make the list of things that I’ll miss most? Of course, though, my physics class is unlike any other. I will miss the extra Friday night classes and return to the block late; literally all places are empty, and we will sing together to get rid of the scary atmosphere all the way back. I will miss going to physics class with heaps of books since we just finished the other two science subjects previously, so we have to bring it together. One of the reasons I like physics is that they have the fewest books to carry! It surprises me how far we’ve gone, from daily scoldings to finally making jokes in class. All in all, though, all the teachers in Maktab deserve a shoutout for their non-stop commitment and for believing in us even until the very end. I will truly miss every encouraging word from the teachers before class ends. And that actually holds the key to my continued strength at that school. InshaAllah, He has seen their efforts and will grant them happiness equal to the commitment and sacrifices they have made.
The tgb’s sunset
Be it morning, or evening, the view in Maktab never disappoints. Despite my frequent complaints about the difficulties of attending a boarding school and the poor facilities it provided, I have always found the sight here to be one that captures the attention and heart – of the beholder. It’s quite sad that I no longer have the sunset to enjoy at the end of every bad day after this, but I guess it’s something that I’ll have to make do with.
There may still be things that I forgot to mention, but every little thing that has happened since 2018 will always leave a significant mark in my life. I can’t be thankful enough that I spent my high school years here. Sure, most of the time it’s miserable and the schedule would always be super tight and even post-examination, you’ll always have tonnes of things on your to-do list, but it’ll all be worth it. The people you’re with will make all your tears and misery in high school be worthwhile, inshaAllah. Sometimes, you won’t miss the places, or even the memories. It’s the people that you miss most.
I’ve learned a lot of things this year. However, the concept of sacrifice is the one that stands out the most. Everyone sacrifices at least one thing in life. There are just too many forms of sacrifice to begin with.
Everyone wants to live a life that is well-balanced and comfortable, to be successful, to have a soulmate and a partner who understands them deeply, to be someone who dares to speak the voices that have been whispering in their head, and, of course, to make memories with the people they love the most.
But if you think about it again, is there anything in life that ever comes in handy without sacrifice? We make numerous sacrifices without realising it. Every great achievement necessitates some level of sacrifice on our part. Because if you’re not willing to sacrifice, nothing is ever going to be yours.
Ask yourself what you have sacrificed this year. Friendship, happiness, time, love, and energy. Anything could be it. Sometimes we even make sacrifices for other people so that they can be content, free of pain, and live the life they want.
I personally enjoy making sacrifices, if not for myself, then for those around me, regardless of whether or not I know them. Since the more I sacrifice, the more good things are coming my way. The more I sacrifice, the more smiles I am able to see in daylight and in darkness on other people around me.
The point is that, regardless of how much we despise giving up time to study or give back to the community, sacrifices are not the bad guys in our lives. But if we do not dare to sacrifice even a slight portion of our time, then we wouldn’t be able to help ourselves become a better person, a better human being in this world. Sometimes we even have to give up our love for someone we can’t have at some point in our lives. or a friendship you believe has been harmful to you. It has got to begin somewhere.
Therefore, I guess you have got to keep on distilling the love for sacrifices, for that is where true happiness and success will bloom in your life.
Life is like chess. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to win.
One of the best deeds I continue to do is to ask Allah to grant me the disposition to accept what I cannot change. Even if I don’t get what I want, it has kept my heart full of gratitude. Holding enmity and resentment is a waste of our precious hearts.
You might think that someone has it all together by what they say or what they post on social media, but absolutely no one does. Life is a balancing act; some people just juggle it a little better than others.
Sometimes I think Allah delays giving me what I want because the peace or happiness I crave comes not from getting what I want, but from having redha over Allah’s decision, which includes his delays.
There is a great blessing in waiting.
I used to think that if life isn’t exciting or overjoying, then something is missing in my life. But actually, there are a lot of blessings in the monotonous moments that we often neglect. As long as we’re still breathing, every day is a gift.
Like everyone else, I get upset and frustrated when I don’t get what I want, but I’ve learned lately that just because things could have been different doesn’t mean they’d have been better. We’re always in the right place at the right time, we just lack the wisdom to recognise it.
Everyone has a breaking point. I’m of the opinion that no one can be strong forever. At some point, the heart can’t take it anymore.
Most of all, I’m still attempting to accept that life’s not a race circuit. As many people have told me over and over again, there is no fixed point where we should be able to see the light. No matter the twists, bends and turns, we will always somehow make it to the end.
Syawal is most likely one of my favourite times of the year. I love having a good excuse to have raya reunions, shamelessly eating kuih raya at my relatives’ houses, make some tiktok videos with the family while you realize you are downright awful at it, having nasi himpit and rendang for breakfast, lunch and dinner; I have a profound affinity towards all things raya, except for mercun but that’s just because I’m personally not a huge fan of loud explosive sounds especially when it’s played non-stop.
Doesn’t exactly negate the fact that raya brings out the most festive side of everyone and it’s a celebration that can be enjoyed irregardless of socioeconomic standings. I’m exceptionally glad to see everybody celebrating raya cheerfully despite the fact that everybody is praising it humbly. But it’s complete and impeccable.
Of course, this Syawal is far different from previous ones especially since I spent the entirety of Ramadan within the confinements of my own house. My favourite part of Ramadan used to be iftar at my Mama’s because that’s the time where the entire extended family would berbuka together on the floor of some sorts and Mama would always make the extra effort to cook everyone’s favourite dishes.
This Ramadan really has been so wonderful for me alhamdullilah. The beyond couple of years have not been this way. I’ve been through some difficult and disappointing situations. As part of my spiritual journey, this has taught me that not every Ramadan will be pleasant. Lessons can also be learned from the lows. Trust that He will judge you fairly and kindly.
Ramadan begun for me at the comforts of home and I am thrilled that it’s ending at home too, but the events of Ramadan at Maktab has never been a boring affair either. My favourite part of Ramadan this year was the time spent with my family and all the dining table conversations we have, even the drowsy, sleep-induced ones during sahur.
Time really flies, it seems. But Eid Mubarak, nonetheless! I thoroughly apologise for all the mistakes I have done, whether I meant it or not, and I hope everyone has a safe trip back to their kampung. Laters!
This is not my first try on blogs but this would be my first serious attempt. Sincerely, writing played a huge part of my life. As I grew older, I realized that I spent most of my time by myself. When I was a young girl, I preferred to spend my time alone in the room doing nothing than to watch television with the other kids. I would say that I did not have any entertainment growing up. Everything in my life is just about me. Also, I was too young for my social circles. So I turned out to be the one that simply pays attention to all that grown-ups are contending. I also don’t have any cousins my age. Instead of talking to the people around me, I talk a lot to myself.
I think that every person has something that makes them feel at ease. It could be baking, going shopping, watching a movie, etc. Personally, I enjoy sleeping! However, writing has always brought me happiness. Putting my feelings into words has always helped me gain a better understanding of them because I can be so sensitive to the actions of other people, which can easily hurt my feelings.
When I was 11 years old, I decided to start writing because I felt like I needed a way to vent my thoughts when they got too much. At first, I thought writing wasn’t for me because I prefer to talk more than write. However, as I get older, I realize that not everyone would always listen to what I have to say. I came to the realisation that I needed to learn how to write about my emotions more frequently. Another good reason is that when I was a kid, I loved buying books with fancy covers. I kept a detailed diary in my notebook so my mother would buy me more books!
When I was 13 years old, I started to prefer typing my thoughts on phone than writing them down in a book. At the point when I’m in boarding school, I understood that I got such a lot of things to rant about, everything are so irritating. Consequently, I start jotting down whatever comes to mind in my notes on my tiny iPhone 5s. I am aware that I have a lot of friends who will stand by and listen to whatever I have to say, but there is nothing better than being friend and talking to yourself. Truthly, I enjoy discussing my thoughts with others and appreciate how diverse their perspectives are. Even if the opinions are mine, I enjoy hearing them.
I frequently got lost when I was a teenager. I’m not happy with who I am or what I do. I really want to day in and day out look like people on social media. I feel ashamed that my life is not like theirs. Travel abroad, take a family vacation, and spend time with friends and others. Simply put, I frequently wonder why my life does not function in the same way as theirs. I frequently write about how miserable my life is. I realized as I dug deeper into my feelings that they were neither regret nor resentment toward my life. It just me who worries about being left out. The one who is afraid that other people will think she’s outdated. My inner self only hopes that others will notice that my life is also good. Even though I’m not, which is fine!
What I’m trying to say is that people only display what they want other people to see in this world. However, some people cannot see beyond that. Some people become irritated when they discover that their own reality does not match what they see on social media. Whether it’s about academics, wealth, beauty, friends, or family. And afterward you’re simply there taking a gander at your heap of wreck considering what you fouled up in life to not merit something as wonderful as every other person.
A part of me wants to be mysterious, but there will always be a part of me that wants to be able to express myself freely. To be able to tweet whatever I want, post whatever I want, and be myself on social media. So here I’m sharing content to a blog to discuss my thoughts. This blog demonstrates that everyone leads a contradictory life. Every person struggles in their own way. Honestly, I really value people who are willing to let others know that they are never alone in their struggles and are able to be candid about them. I save blogs written by teenagers, college students, and even university students that helped me get through my teenage years with a more open mind than I would have had on my own.
What I got is I’m so happy if being open about my difficulties can encourage someone else going through their own. I’m already beyond thankful if, through blogging, I can help even a small number of people who are just as exhausted as I am from beating myself up about things I can’t change. I also hope that this will serve as a good starting point for a lot of people who are struggling to find themselves amid the idealized lives of others.
To do good things, you only need yourself and God, not people’s praise and encouragement. The most important thing is that you’ve done something good, and you’ll even feel good about yourself after doing it! Also, I’m just going to write a blog to show Sofea in 10 years, who is 28, what goes through her mind when she’s 18 years old. She can read it and laugh at it.
s o y a w r i t e s 
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