Category: reminiscence

I don’t know what I should feel right now. Sad? Happy? Or just empty? Honestly, I don’t even know what I want to feel. I zone out, trying to grasp something.. anything.. but nothing stays long enough to make sense. This year feels different, and I hate how unfamiliar everything is. Raya is supposed to be a time of joy, yet when I look at old photos, it feels like I’m staring at a life that no longer belongs to me. A version of myself that didn’t have to carry this weight. A time when things felt whole.

Ibu isn’t here anymore. And no matter how much I try to accept it, some part of me still refuses to believe it.

The way people look at me now has changed too. Maybe they pity me. Maybe they don’t know how to act around me. I know they care. I know their hearts are in the right place. But I don’t want to be seen as someone drowning in sadness. I don’t want my life to be defined by loss. Just treat me the same. Just act like you always have. Let me be more than my grief.

People tell me I’m strong. “You’re the strongest person I know,” they say. But if I’m so strong, why can’t I even find the courage to visit Ibu’s grave alone? Why does everything feel so overwhelming without her? I always thought adulthood was something I’d ease into, that it would come naturally with time. But being forced into it, being left to figure things out on my own, it’s terrifying. No one tells you how lonely it feels to make decisions without the person who was always there to guide you.

Still, in the midst of all this emptiness, I know I’m not alone. Mama’s family calls me adik now, making sure I feel like I belong. My friends hold me up when I feel like falling, reassuring me when the weight of everything becomes too much. Some things have gotten better, I’ve started cooking and baking again, something Ibu would have been happy to see. Nurin’s family treats me like their own. And even Ibu’s friends still check in on me, sending messages, reminding me that if I ever need anything, I just have to ask. It’s a strange feeling; to have lost so much yet still be surrounded by so much love.

But even with all this love around me, the guilt lingers. The what-ifs, the should-haves, the regrets; they don’t leave. I don’t know if this is grief or something worse, but there’s a void inside me that nothing seems to fill. And with Raya approaching, it only grows deeper. The thought of waking up on the first day, knowing she won’t be there, knowing I won’t hear her voice, knowing her seat at the table will be empty, it’s unbearable.

I don’t feel like celebrating this year. When Ibu was sick, she held onto the hope that she would recover, that she would celebrate this Raya in good health, just like before. She wanted things to feel normal again; to cook in the kitchen, to welcome guests, to sit with us at the table, laughing like she always did. But now, I’m not celebrating with her, neither in sickness nor in health. She’s not here at all. And that’s the part that hurts the most. Raya was supposed to be a moment of togetherness, but instead, it feels like a reminder of everything that’s missing. No matter how much I try to accept it, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for a Raya without her.

So I’m going to try. I’m going to wake up, wear my baju raya, eat the food, and laugh with family, even if it feels different, even if it hurts. I know there will be moments where the emptiness creeps in, where I’ll instinctively look for Ibu, expecting her to call my name or remind me to eat more. I know there will be times when I’ll have to swallow back the lump in my throat, smile even when my heart aches. But I’ll do it anyway. Not because it’s easy, not because I’ve moved on but because I know it’s what she would have wanted.

She wanted us to celebrate. She wanted us to find joy in the little things, even after she was gone. So I will let myself have a piece of the happiness she always wished for me, even if I have to search for it in between the sadness. I will hold onto the warmth of family, the comfort of tradition, and the love that still lingers in every corner of this home. I’ll do it for her.

Because grief and love exist side by side. One does not erase the other. I can miss her with every part of me and still find moments of joy. I can feel the loss deeply, yet still choose to embrace the love she left behind. And if there’s one thing Ibu gave me that will never fade, it’s love; endless, unwavering, unbreakable. A love that lingers in every memory, every prayer, every lesson she ever taught me.

So this Raya, even with the emptiness, even with the pain, I will hold onto love. I will cherish the people who are still here, just as Ibu would have wanted. I will remind myself that while grief changes me, it does not define me. I will let myself cry, but I will also let myself smile. Because moving forward doesn’t mean leaving her behind, it means carrying her with me, in everything I do.

Because no matter what, Raya is still a day of togetherness, of family, of love. And Ibu’s love will always be a part of that.

It’s strange, really, how everything can change in a moment. One call. That’s all it took. When Kak Dira first called me, I felt strangely calm, almost numb. It’s as if some part of me couldn’t accept it, couldn’t believe it could actually be happening. I called Abang right after, maybe hoping he’d say it was all a mistake, that Ibu was still there, still with us. But when he answered, I heard the truth in his voice. Ibu had gone. She’d left us. She’d left me.

I sat there for a moment, just trying to absorb it, but it didn’t really sink in. I moved on autopilot, packing my things, waiting for Ah to come and pick me up in Seremban. Then, in the quiet, the tears came, almost like a flood, each one heavier than the last. It was as though the ground itself was crumbling beneath me. I’ve always thought I was strong enough to handle whatever came my way, but this…this was different. Nothing could prepare me for the ache of knowing I’d never see her again.

The last time I spoke to Ibu was only the night before. I’d called to reassure her, to try to ease her worries, as she had been feeling upset and frustrated. She was meant to be discharged but wasn’t allowed to go home, and I could hear the exhaustion and disappointment in her voice. I tried to calm her, to tell her everything would be alright. I never thought that would be our last conversation. I would have said so much more if I’d known. But I didn’t. And so, there was no real goodbye, no time to say everything I needed to say.

When I finally walked back into the house, it felt as though I was stepping into a stranger’s home. The same walls, the same furniture, yet everything felt off, as if something fundamental had shifted. The first few days, I didn’t feel anything at all. Maybe I was still pretending, convincing myself that Ibu would be back any day now. She’d been in the hospital for almost a month, so her absence had already left a kind of gap, a silence I’d gotten used to. My mind kept telling me she was simply still in hospital, that any day now, she’d be back in her usual spot, in the heart of our home.

But slowly, that illusion started to unravel. Every day, it became harder to ignore. She wasn’t coming back. I couldn’t escape that gnawing truth. The silence in the house felt so loud; her absence filled every corner. It’s a strange emptiness, a hollowness that settles around you like fog, heavy and suffocating. Even with family around, even with everyone trying to keep busy, there’s an unspoken awareness of her absence. This house that once held so much warmth, her warmth, now feels like a shell.

It’s only now that I fully understand what it means to be an anak yatim piatu, a parentless child. I lost Abah when I was just a child, too young to remember him, too young to understand. His absence was like a shadow, always there but somehow softened by Ibu’s presence, by her strength. Now, with her gone, I feel the full weight of what it means to be parentless, to be without those who brought me into this world, who loved me in ways no one else could. It’s a part of life you hope you’ll never have to know, and yet here I am, left to find my way without them.

This journey has been overwhelming in ways I never anticipated. There’s this strange mix of feelings, overwhelming and confusing. Ibu never liked to burden us with her worries, her responsibilities. She carried her own world quietly, handling everything in her own way. Now, there are pieces of her life that I’m only just discovering, things like her savings, her hibah, her plans for us. I wish she were here to explain them, to guide me through all these unknowns. But that’s the thing with loss; it doesn’t just take away the person, it leaves you with all the things you’ll never know.

I have moments when I wish, selfishly, that she could have stayed just a bit longer. I wanted her to see the things I’m striving for, the dreams I hoped would make her proud. I had so many milestones left to reach, and I wanted her to be there for each one, cheering me on in her quiet, loving way. But my aunt, Mama, keeps reminding me that maybe this was what was best for her. Maybe she was just too tired, too worn out to keep going. And there’s some comfort in that, in knowing her struggles are over, perhaps she’s free of the burdens she never let us see.

I’m learning that grief doesn’t have a timeline. It’s something I carry with me now, not a chapter to be closed but a part of my story that will grow with me. There are days when I feel I’m holding it together, distracting myself with tasks, pushing through the busyness. And then there are days when everything slows down, and I feel the full weight of it all, the quiet, aching absence of her.

In those quiet moments, when I feel lost, I imagine her beside me, like a silent encouragement, reminding me to keep moving forward. She’s not here physically, but I feel her presence in the small things, the values she taught me, the strength she embodied. And maybe that’s what it means to carry someone with you, even when they’re gone—they become a part of who you are, guiding you from within.

I don’t know what comes next, and honestly, I feel a bit daunted by it. But I’ll keep going, not just for me, but for Ibu and Abah, for all the dreams they had for me and all the love they gave. I’ll carry them with me, letting them be part of everything I accomplish, every challenge I face, every step forward.

Writing this, I feel like I’m finally letting myself sit with these feelings, letting them flow in a way I haven’t yet. This is my journey now, learning to live with this loss, letting myself feel it, and finding a way to honour their memory in everything I do. It’s not easy, and there are no answers. But I’ll keep going, step by step, trusting that somehow, I’ll find my way.

Tenanglah, Ibu. I love you, always and forever.

Seventeen years. That’s how long it’s been since Abah left us. It’s strange to think about how much time has passed because, in a way, I’ve lived my whole life without him, and yet, his absence feels like a constant presence. I was just two years old when he passed away—too young to remember his face, his voice, or the way he used to smile. It’s like a part of my life was taken before I even had the chance to hold onto it. It’s an emptiness that I carry with me, a void that sometimes feels overwhelming.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering what life would have been like if he were still here. Would I have been different if I had grown up with him? Would I have inherited his kindness, his wisdom, or maybe just the way he laughed at silly jokes? These are questions that linger in my mind, but they’re questions that will never have answers.

But as much as I feel that emptiness, I know it’s only a fraction of what Ibu must feel. She had to pick up the shattered pieces of her life and carry on without him, raising us all on her own. I know she tried to stay strong for us, but the pain of losing Abah never truly left her. Whenever I miss Abah, I know she must miss him even more. Whenever I feel that deep, aching void, I know Ibu feels it even deeper. And whenever I find myself needing Abah, I can only imagine how much more she must have needed him, how much she still needs him even now.

I wish I could take away that pain from Ibu. I wish I could have been old enough to remember Abah, to share stories with her about him, to keep his memory alive in a way that’s more than just a few faded photos and secondhand stories. But all I can do now is be here for her, to try to make her proud, to let her know that everything she’s done for us has mattered.

Abah may be gone, but he’s not forgotten. I see glimpses of him in the way Ibu talks about him, in the way she smiles when she recalls a memory that only she can remember. I hold onto those moments, even though they’re not mine, because they’re all I have of him. And sometimes, I think that maybe, just maybe, he’s still looking out for us in some way. I believe he’s watching over us, proud of how Ibu has raised us, proud of the family we’ve become.

The stories I’ve heard about Abah—his kindness, his generosity, and the way he touched the lives of those around him—make me wish I had the chance to know him myself. It’s strange how a person can feel so present through the stories and memories shared by others. They remind me that although I never knew him directly, he lives on through the impact he made on the people he loved and the values he instilled in those who knew him. As I build my own life, I hold onto these stories as a way to honor his memory, letting his spirit guide my actions and decisions, and ensuring that his presence is felt even in his absence.

As I sit here, seventeen years after his passing, I can’t help but ask for something from you, the reader. If you could, please take a moment to make a doa for Abah. Pray for his peace, wherever he is, and for Ibu, who has been through so much.

Abah, even though I never got to know you, I feel your presence in every step I take. And I promise to carry your memory with me, today and always.

Yay, it’s finally semester break! Even though I’m a bit late, three weeks into the break—I’ve finally had the chance to recharge and get back to feeling like myself. As Ibu always says, it takes me a bit of time to start functioning properly after a semester ends. So, better late than never—this blog is my way of saying, “I’m back!” Haha.

Time has a funny way of being excruciatingly slow when you are restless, and exhilaratingly fast when you are having the best moments of your life. As I reflect on my Semester 2, it’s clear that it wasn’t always smooth sailing. With my studies, work, and classes clashing, there were some long nights where, in the middle of studying, I’d hold my head in my hands and try to remind myself why I’m doing this in the first place. There were times when I’d compare myself to others and question why I wasn’t doing well enough, even though I was trying my best.

I started having daily affirmations because I needed to be reminded of my principles since sometimes, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s in the right place. Times like these scare me because I spend so much time trying to keep myself busy, get invested in something new, keep my hands on deck, and still, life finds a funny way of slipping in moments of vulnerability when I least need it. I guess if there’s one thing I haven’t outgrown, it’s my desire to keep myself as occupied as possible because it keeps me sane. But tough times will always pass, and they never leave us empty-handed; we always learn something, regardless of how harsh the lessons may be.

As this semester draws to a close, I’ve been reflecting on the incredible people who’ve made it truly special. This blog is dedicated to appreciating each of you who turned these months into a memorable journey. I’m grateful for every bit of companionship and friendship we’ve shared. So, here’s to celebrating you all and the impact you’ve had on me throughout the semester!

Here’s to Mel! I’ll start with her because, this semester, I found myself breaking down over seemingly minor things, and she never once left my side. She’s been my reality check, always making me see things from a different perspective. Whether it was through our deep discussions or her no-nonsense advice, Mel has taught me so much. She’s always been there, offering support and a much-needed dose of honesty. And she’s been a constant presence, even in the little things.

Here’s to Qila and Ely! Despite our busy lives, they always ensured the room stayed lively with their funny stories and cheerful vibes. Qila has a knack for pointing out things I often miss and helping me with my thoughts, making me see what I might be overlooking. I’m so grateful for both of them and the energy they brought into our space.

Here’s to Nadiea and Far! Our endless gossip sessions were definitely the highlight of the semester. Far’s life has been even more dramatic than I could have imagined, with plot twists that never fail to surprise me—Hahaha! I’m at the point where I either laugh at her stories or playfully scold her, though I have to admit, as a socially awkward person, I know I’d probably crumble if I were in Far’s shoes. Still, despite the drama, I truly admire how Far manages her emotions really well.

With Nadiea and Far, we rarely dive into the hard stuff, especially when it comes to our struggles with studies, but we always find ways to make sure we’re all okay when we’re together. It’s beautiful how we manage to shield each other from negativity, even without addressing it head-on. Nadiea, though usually quiet, is someone with whom I find I share similar values, and if you really get to know her, you’ll discover just how funny she truly is. Far, on the other hand, fills my heart with warmth and comfort. I’m deeply grateful for both of them—they’ve become the kind of people I can rely on for just about everything.

Despite sometimes looking like I’m left out, I’ve never actually felt excluded. I admit, I can be a bit boring and struggle to relate to some of their topics. Take K-pop, for instance—I’ve found myself asking for explainations because I just don’t get it. Haha. I sometimes feel like I’m not quite in tune with the fangirling scene. However, even when I’m not fully in sync with their interests, they’ve always made me feel included and valued. I truly appreciate how they’ve embraced our differences and kept our friendships strong.

Here’s to Ecah! Academically, the semester was a rollercoaster of stress, but I’m incredibly grateful for Ecah, who became my rock person for just about everything. I turned to her for nearly all my academic concerns, and she never once found my questions bothersome. Ecah’s presence has always been inspiring to me. I’d often find myself saying, “Ecahhhh, I nak tanya!!” and she was always available, even at the most random times. She was always there to help, and I’ll miss those times when Ecah and Zaf patiently helped me figure out where I’d gone wrong in my coding, almost every class. Hehe!

Here’s to Qis! I’m so glad I got so close to Qis, she always finds a way to make sure everyone around her is doing fine. There’s something about having that one friend you feel comfortable with for any physical connection, and for me, that friend is Qis. Her comforting presence is like a warm hug on a cold day. Here’s to Iffah! She’s been such a good friend and an amazing partner for speaking, and making every moment memorable. I’ll forever remember her funny WhatsApp stickers—they never fail to make me laugh, no matter how tough the day has been.

Here’s to Mazlin and Fareesya! Some might think Mazlin is loud, but to me, she’s the one who keeps the laughter rolling wherever she goes. Sometimes, I think she’s incredibly lucky because she makes so many hearts happy. Personally, I’m not a fan of loud crowds. If you find me quiet, it’s because I usually am, but I can be so loud with my friends. My kind of loud just has its limits. When I first met Mazlin, especially with Ecah and Qis by her side, I was struck by their dynamic energy and thought they were an unbeatable trio. Haha. At first, their energy did get on my nerves a bit, but I soon realised how much joy they brought into my life.

I guess I’ve been really hard on myself, but when I’m with them, life feels better. I laugh a lot—more than I ever thought possible. If anyone asked how I manage my busy life, I’d say it’s through laughter. It really lightens the burden. I’m also thrilled to have Fareesya in the mix. She’s the calmest one, like a beacon of tranquillity in the midst of chaos. I’m truly grateful for Mazlin and Fareesya. They both deserves all the good things coming their way because they’re so kind to everyone. Not to forget Fendy and Zaf! Fendy’s wonderfully unique personality has made the friendship truly enjoyable, and Zaf, your constant help with both studies and club work has been a lifesaver. Thanks to both of you for making this semester memorable!

Here’s to Ainul! I never thought I’d meet someone I hold dear like a sister, but Ainul has become exactly that. Getting through the semester was a breeze with her constant positivity, especially since we were always deep in club work. We often stayed late for meetings, but Ainul’s support made it all manageable. To me, she’s got a heart of gold and dedication that’s off the charts. Ainul always has a unique way of reassuring me to keep going, even when I doubted my own ability to manage it. I’m so lucky to have her in my life—she’s been a true gem through it all!

Also, a shout-out to some other incredible girls in the club. Here’s to Faizah! She’s one of the most loving and dedicated people I’ve met. I can’t help but feel a bit jealous—I wish I could run every day like she does! Haha. Here’s to Hazirah! Even though most people see her as quiet, she’s got this great sense of humour. Whenever we’re together, she’s always laughing. It’s fun seeing that side of her! Here’s to Hana! Working on club activities this semester was much easier with her around. As fellow academic excos, we managed to get through it all together. And here’s to Dina! She’s such a good person—seriously, just all-around good vibes. I wish I had more to say, but sometimes, it’s the simple things that matter the most.

Here’s to my other SASCOMM friends! I can honestly say I managed all the work this semester because of you guys. Navigating the challenges of our club activities, surviving endless meetings, and tackling problems has been an incredible journey. Being part of SASCOMM has been a wild ride, and I’ve grown in ways I never expected. I’ve learned how to juggle tasks, lead with confidence, and even survive on minimal sleep. From the countless brainstorming sessions where our ideas were all over the place, to the times we turned stress into success—every moment has been a lesson and a laugh. Thanks for being such an essential part of my growth and for making this semester an unforgettable adventure!

Here’s to Afza and Alya Atirah! They were like super random friends I made this semester. We got close while being in the Debat club—only three of us from KPPIM debating is insane—imagine three maths students debating, it’s like the universe decided to have a laugh! Haha. They literally saw a side of me that was really afraid to speak publicly, but somehow, I managed to pull it off. Despite the month-long delay before we finally got to debate as a group and as the government, my nerves were always on edge each week. But I’m really glad I became friends with them. Sometimes, random friends turn out to be the best ones. Also, here’s to Sofea! She’s also been my support in Debat and the reason I made it through. Our quirky chats, especially since we both share the same name, always made things fun. Thanks to three of you for making every Monday co-curricular meeting a bit more bearable!

Here’s to my 2Ds classmates! I wish I could highlight each one of you, but there are just so many of you! Despite the chaos of our 2D classes and the influx of new members, I found so much joy in attending them. The dynamic and sometimes hectic atmosphere, with all the new faces and personalities, only added to the fun and excitement of the semester. Whether we were racing against deadlines or navigating through the occasional mix-ups, every bit of it added to the fun. From the inside jokes to the panic-fueled study sessions, every moment was a joy. I’m so glad we got to experience it all together. Here’s to all the laughter, the shared struggles, and the memories we’ve made along the way!

And here’s to anyone we’ve grown close to along the way—whether through events or spontaneous moments—I’ll always hold you dear. You’ve made my uni days so much more enjoyable, from tackling group projects where we somehow turned chaos into order to simply being there when I needed support. I’ve genuinely made so many friendships that I truly cherish. I still remember how excited I was getting close to Faqihah and Maira during the MAD event; they are both so sweet and really brightened up those days. I’m truly grateful for all the amazing people I’ve met along the way.

As I wrap up this reflection on the past semester, I’m struck by just how many corners of my life have been brightened by incredible friends. Each moment, whether it was a spontaneous hangout or a late-night cram session, has been a testament to the vibrant and supportive community we’ve built together. From the random laughs to the heartfelt support, every experience has shaped this journey into something truly special. So here’s to all the friends who’ve popped up in every corner of my university life, making each day a bit brighter and every challenge a bit easier. Thanks for being the unexpected gems and the steadfast allies in this adventure. Here’s to all the laughter shared and the new chapters ahead—because with friends like you, every corner holds a promise of something wonderful.

You know, life has a funny way of surprising us. Sometimes, it feels like we’re stuck on a path that’s going nowhere, and other times, it feels like everything is falling into place perfectly. June 8th is a day that highlights these unexpected twists and turns in my life, showing how things can change in ways we never imagined.

Last year, on June 8th, 2023, I was feeling pretty down. I had just gotten my SPM results and I was so close to getting straight As, but I missed it by one grade. I had worked so hard and put in so many hours studying, and not hitting that goal felt like a huge disappointment. I couldn’t help but wonder if all the stress and effort had been worth it. I felt like I had let myself and everyone who believed in me down.

But then, June 8th, 2024 rolled around and everything was different. I found myself receiving the Dean’s Award at my university, with a perfect 4.0 GPA. It was such an amazing moment. The feelings of sadness and failure from the previous year were replaced with pride and gratitude. It was hard to believe that just a year ago I had been in such a different place.

Looking back, I realise that the setbacks and challenges I faced weren’t the end of the world. They were just bumps in the road that made me stronger and more determined. Each disappointment pushed me to work harder and smarter, leading to successes I hadn’t even imagined.

June 8th now reminds me that life is full of surprises. Even when things seem bleak, there’s always a chance for things to turn around. The lows make the highs even more meaningful, and every struggle is just a stepping stone towards something greater.

So, as I move forward, I keep the lessons I’ve learned close to my heart. Life will always have its ups and downs, but it’s how we handle them that defines our journey. June 8th will always remind me to stay hopeful, keep pushing forward, and embrace every twist and turn along the way.

I’ve been watching videos of my batchmates – both funny and sad. It’s funny how even at this point, it still hasn’t struck me that school is really over and by the time holiday season ends, I won’t be among the schoolkids complaining about going back.

My high school experience might differ from other people; after all, no two schools are carbon copies of one another and every person will have their own outtake on high school. Ever since forever though, people have been telling me that my high school years would be the best time of my life and as of now, I couldn’t agree more. Every day, I had my batchmates constantly telling me that out there, I won’t have people who would remind me to study, to perform my ibadah, to constantly pull me back from making big mistakes and I’ve never really taken them seriously. I guess now I have to accept reality, like it or not.

If you ask me how I feel about my high school experience, I’d say unequivocally that I despise it. Every time I say it, my voice automatically takes on a sour tone. But in reality, I have a lot to be thankful for. There are times when I’m extremely cheerful, snickering with my friends, and there are times when I’m exceptionally miserable, and seeing a counsellor was the only option I had. What I did in high school is something I’ll never do again. Even if I could, it would never be the same. Nothing would ever be the same as I thought when Ibu’s car drove off the school grounds for good.

So here is a list of things that I would miss in high school;

The five of us

With these girls, I have certainly experienced both highs and lows, but they’re also the ones I don’t have to talk to every day to connect with. Sometimes, we went through weeks of not having proper conversations yet whenever we do talk, it’s as if time did not pass by at all. I’ll miss Alia who frequently layan-ed my emotional outbursts and who would chat with me for hours at times just to catch up on life, Farah who is usually the one who offers me the greatest advise even if she can’t figure out the solutions for her issues and has forever been a mother to me, Alin who continuously the final to laugh at the jokes but continuously tunes in to everything I have to say, and Nurin who never get tired making everyone giggling with her unendingly senseless jokes and will always encouraging me to go after my dreams. I never figured I would get this kind of friendship from TGS to TGB, plus they never change! Even now, they continue to argue and fight with me over insignificant matters, but these girls have supported me up to this point. There is nothing I dislike about this crowd, and I really will miss being around them. Whenever I’m close to tears or having a fit over my problems, these five would never cease to cheer me up and amuse me.

Students Disciplinary Council 21/22

The main concern I had last year was how I would handle the commitments that would undoubtedly fall on my plate. At first, it was really hard. Having to constantly push yourself to being better, smarter, and more capable. This is unchartered territory that’s meant to be uncomfortable for me. But it’s a unique opportunity to learn. I’m getting used to the idea that being a leader requires a lot of courage to forgive. However, I cannot emphasise enough how crucial it is to apply this consistently in life. There will be days when the actions of other people towards us will really hurt. Hearing rumours about people speaking lowly of you. Anything that makes you feel insignificant, worthless, inadequate, or unimportant. Some people are lucky to be born unbothered, but I am the one who is easily affected by these things. But it’s truly amazing how quickly time flies and how this year has transformed me into a person who doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of me.

If I could talk about LDP, I’m sure I could talk endlessly about my experiences as a LDP. There are times when I go through memories I’d like to keep forever; there are also memories I don’t want to remember at all. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received throughout my time here is something Ibu constantly says on the phone; the hardest part of being a leader is attempting to put yourself in the shoes of your followers, and that itself is one of the wisest things I have heard in my years here. Nothing came easy, but by the day’s end, leadership is never a simple strength to begin with at any rate. In fact, one of the things I’ll miss the most is being a LDP. I will miss the random meetings with MTs, especially those with Umar and Kujoi, who always arrive late. I will miss random jamuan with Meeya and Damia even if it’s just eating ice cream after PGG class. I will miss gossiping with my LDP Khadey, attending weekly block meetings, and making week-after-week reports for teachers reference. And the most tiring weeks of assisting teachers in selecting new LDP candidates for juniors. And of course, I couldn’t have survived the year without my MT friends, my ultimate girls, and the teachers, especially Teacher Asniza!

Damia

One of my biggest regrets in high school is not connecting with Damia earlier. A friend who is always there, always so selfless and ready to envelop me in a hug. Somehow, no matter how bad the day was for me or how miserable I felt in the morning, having breakfast with Damia and talking to her all the way back to the block after night prep would always bring me some sort of comfort. I always enjoy chatting with her and Nurin about gossip haha! I’ll definitely miss everything about her; from her non-stop bebelans and her sweet gestures & her never ending stories about her crush. And Alia, my favourite ball of happiness who never fails to keep us happy when we’re together. This friendship is indeed like no other and I am so, so grateful.

516’s

Sure, it’s one of the most competitive classes, and I’ve had my ups and downs being in the class, but nothing beats the fun we had together and all those sleepless nights we spent finishing our handouts for the sake of carrymarks, praying to God we wouldn’t get scolded by Teacher Arni in the next class. I will miss Amni babbling in class and Deeba always be a mother to all the class members. I will also never forget singing Beribu Sesalan with my classmates every day in class, especially the one led by Nurin and Alyani! I had some of the sweetest memories with this class, and it is definitely a blessing to be able to stay with the same group of people for two whole years.

KA20

We initially started off differently, but due to some technical changes, the four of us were grouped as roommates. Our class was supposed to be in a different block, but they initially accompanied me to Blok Khadijah. I have to admit that we couldn’t spend as much time with each other as we did last year, but I shall never forget all three of their temperaments. My personal favourite memory of these girls will always be the night we spent eating ramen together every weekend! And not forgetting our fifth room member, Aqish! Nevertheless, I never once regretted spending two years with this quartet because they’ve helped me so much, from supplying food whenever I ran out of snacks to teaching difficult sub-topics and finishing our homework together. Fun fact: they know how I look during mengigau!

Blok Khadijah

I still have no idea how I could survive being in Blok Khadijah. At first it was so awkward, since I was transferred to the block as they didn’t have enough LDP to work. I don’t know how to socialize at all! From the rules to the people, each block basically has a different style. But as the time goes by, I fit in really well with them and make new friends along the way. From Aisyah Atas to Khadijah Atas, I think there are many stories that cannot be described. I’m gonna miss bebel-ing every Sunday morning because they always leave the block late and I don’t get to breakfast, and it is always Nasi Lemak for breakfast on my day of duties! It was also through LDP that I learnt to bond with my other friends and, really, it makes the block experience all the more worthwhile when you enjoy the people you’re with. I will miss Ari, she was very understanding yet the best partner of block. I will miss KA16 and KA17!! I couldn’t have survived my high school without them. I’m gonna miss Durra’s tight hugs, messing with Tasha, Diyana’s laughs, teasing Khairin about her boyfriend, Balqis’s questions about everything, having some weighted conversations with Pika, and my everyday question of asking either Farah is in the room or not. I will, without doubt, miss everyone in Khadijah. I am also gonna miss cleaning the toilet with KA21 peeps, became a living alarm for Ain Sufiah for the whole weeks of exam, sweet gestures by 02 girls at study room and all random screaming in the middle of time. The weirdest mix-up of people ever, but it’s true when they say that the unlikeliest people make the best company.

Surau

I think I spent a lot of time at the surau! We complete our ibadah, attend classes, and even sleep in the surau. Surau is very important to me because it brings a lot of peace to my not-so-peaceful life there, haha! To be honest, there are times when I feel like my duties as a student outweigh those of a servant of Allah. Therefore, maintaining dunya and akhirat is always a crucial aspect that I find challenging to achieve. But with all my good friends and faith, thank God I managed it. I will miss going to the fardhu ain session on Friday afternoon with a sleepy face. I will likewise miss those naps I take between Maghrib and Isyak. I’ll also miss teasing my friends in Surau! Actually, I made a great number of friends at Surau, and I enjoy talking to friends because sometimes you just need a place to vent and people to talk to and usually it was friends who I haven’t held any conversations in quite a while, friends who seldom run into one another, friends who tattle a ton! Finally, Surau contains fundamental memories of my friends and me!

Physics class

Who would’ve thought that a class would make the list of things that I’ll miss most? Of course, though, my physics class is unlike any other. I will miss the extra Friday night classes and return to the block late; literally all places are empty, and we will sing together to get rid of the scary atmosphere all the way back. I will miss going to physics class with heaps of books since we just finished the other two science subjects previously, so we have to bring it together. One of the reasons I like physics is that they have the fewest books to carry! It surprises me how far we’ve gone, from daily scoldings to finally making jokes in class. All in all, though, all the teachers in Maktab deserve a shoutout for their non-stop commitment and for believing in us even until the very end. I will truly miss every encouraging word from the teachers before class ends. And that actually holds the key to my continued strength at that school. InshaAllah, He has seen their efforts and will grant them happiness equal to the commitment and sacrifices they have made.

The tgb’s sunset

Be it morning, or evening, the view in Maktab never disappoints. Despite my frequent complaints about the difficulties of attending a boarding school and the poor facilities it provided, I have always found the sight here to be one that captures the attention and heart – of the beholder. It’s quite sad that I no longer have the sunset to enjoy at the end of every bad day after this, but I guess it’s something that I’ll have to make do with.

There may still be things that I forgot to mention, but every little thing that has happened since 2018 will always leave a significant mark in my life. I can’t be thankful enough that I spent my high school years here. Sure, most of the time it’s miserable and the schedule would always be super tight and even post-examination, you’ll always have tonnes of things on your to-do list, but it’ll all be worth it. The people you’re with will make all your tears and misery in high school be worthwhile, inshaAllah. Sometimes, you won’t miss the places, or even the memories. It’s the people that you miss most.