Category: self-reflection

So, funny story. I’ve been on this weird, endless cycle of trying to deactivate all my social media accounts. Like, I don’t even know why anymore. One day I wake up feeling like the world is just too much, and the next thing I know, I’m hovering over that deactivate button like it’s my life’s mission. Overwhelmed? Check. Feeling left out? Double check. Insecure? Oh, we’re hitting a home run with that one. It’s a sad truth that hits me right in the feels every time.

This whole thing isn’t exactly new for me, though. Since high school, whenever life starts to feel like a chaotic mess, I’ve found myself clicking that deactivate button. Poof! Gone. And to be honest, I’m not even what you’d call a “social media person.” I’m more like that friend who lurks in the background, occasionally liking stories or posts but not really joining in on the fun. But I’m genuinely happy seeing my friends post about their achievements and all the wonderful things happening in their lives. But here’s where the plot thickens, I sometimes feel like I have nothing worth sharing.

Is it just me, or do all my small wins feel like they don’t count? I mean, where’s my “I baked something today and didn’t burn it to a crisp, even though it’s the same thing I always bake” post? Is that an achievement? Should I be sharing that?! Then there’s the inevitable moment when I start overthinking about my followers. I’m constantly worried that I’m being annoying by over-updating on social media. And honestly, I can’t stress enough how there are a few people I just can’t bring myself to remove from the followers list. Why? Who knows! I mean, I’m totally fine with them being there, but a part of me keeps wondering if I really want them seeing all my random updates. Urgh, I know, I’m so complicated. Haha.

Anyway, back to the topic before I start spiraling. Every time I deactivate, I forget one major downside: I lose all the memories I should have saved there. It’s like waking up from few months nap and realising you’ve missed everything. Then I’m scrolling through my archive (because that’s where I go when life feels a little “meh”), only to find out that I haven’t uploaded a story in months. MONTHS. And what’s worse? I forgot everything that happened during those times! Like, what did I even do? Where’s that cute story my friend made of me? What were all those moments I wanted to look back on and laugh about?

It’s honestly tragic. I thought I was mature enough to outgrow this whole deactivate-reactivate cycle, but here I am, still in it. Maybe I don’t need to hit that button every time I feel a little overwhelmed like it’s some magical solution to all my problems. Maybe. Just maybe. I can learn to manage these feelings without running away. It’s okay if I’m not feeling great; I don’t have to open the app. It’s literally up to me. Why am I making life so complicated? I need to stop being so hard on myself and figure out how to live with all the feelings instead of always trying to escape them. I mean, seriously, how long am I going to keep doing this deactivate-reactivate dance? It’s exhausting, and honestly, I’m tired of it.

So, the past few weeks, I’ve been trying something new. Instead of vanishing from the internet, I’ve started sharing everything on my close friends list on Instagram, whether it’s random thoughts, the food I’ve cooked, or weird thoughts that pop into my head. Sometimes, you just need to vent or share a random thought so it doesn’t weigh on your mind. Plus, I’m making an effort to celebrate my small wins, no matter how silly they seem. For ages, I battled with the whole idea of being silly. Let’s be real it can be a real challenge to embrace your silly side! But you know what? People actually don’t mind when you’re a bit daft. So, I decided to throw caution to the wind and started posting the most random things on TikTok, complete with the silliest songs I could find. I mean, why not? At the end of the day, just share whatever brings you joy. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Life’s too short to take yourself seriously!

I also made a bold move and unfollowed a few people who I used to look up to but now just make me feel… well, not great. You know those girls who seem to have it all together? The ones who are achieving all the things you secretly want for yourself? Yeah, I followed a lot of them, but it turns out, constantly comparing myself to their highlight reels wasn’t doing me any favours. Sometimes, I found myself feeling inadequate just by comparing their lives to mine. I suppose this is all part of life. There are moments when you don’t feel inspired and instead find yourself battling envy, wishing your life was as smooth as someone else’s. So now, I just remind myself that it’s okay to know who they are without needing to know everything about their lives. Plus, it gives me the space I need to stop feeling insecure about my own journey.

So yeah, I’m still figuring things out, but one thing’s for sure I’m done with the whole deactivate-reactivate cycle. It’s time to live life without constantly feeling like I need to hide from it.

I often find myself caught in a quiet struggle that no one seems to notice. It’s not that people aren’t paying attention, but I’ve always been the type to carry my burdens alone, finding it almost impossible to ask for help. So, I struggle. In silence. Most days, I am tired and exhausted, really. It feels like life is testing me beyond what I can handle, and I don’t know how much more I’m supposed to bear.

Shame sneaks in as I look at my life. I’m not proud of it. It’s as if there’s nothing interesting or worthwhile about me, and I feel like I’m just… boring. I often wonder if people still want to be friends with me, or if my dullness has pushed them away. Doubt lingers in my heart. I start questioning my worth. Worse, I find myself questioning Allah’s wisdom. I hate admitting it, but I’ve found myself asking, “Why, Allah? Why are You testing me like this? Am I not worthy of Your love? Am I not a good enough Muslim?” These thoughts sit like a heavy weight on my chest, making me feel like a failure, like I’m not enough.

One day, I stood in front of the mirror, and I couldn’t bear to look at myself. The reflection staring back felt like a stranger, someone I didn’t recognise, or even like. I hated the person I’d become. I hated how I had let opportunities slip through my fingers, and how my life felt like one long list of missed chances. In that moment, I wondered if my life would ever get better. I’ve never felt particularly lucky, and it seemed like nothing was ever going to change.

But then, doubt crept in again. Is it really true that Allah tests us because He loves us? Could this pain, this struggle, really be a sign of His care for me?

There’s a verse from the Quran that’s quite common, one many people turn to in times like these:

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.” (Quran 2:286)

I know I’ve heard it countless times before, but even though it’s something everyone knows, but for me, it was the line that helped me see things clearly again. I remind myself of it over and over, sometimes until I’m exhausted from repeating it. But it is what it is. I have to swallow this truth: Allah doesn’t test me beyond what I can bear. Even if I feel overwhelmed, I know deep down that I have the strength to get through it, because Allah wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. He knows me better than I know myself.

There’s another verse I turn to when things feel unbearable:

“…Verily, with hardship comes ease.” (Quran 94:6)

It’s such a comforting reminder, though it’s not always easy to believe when the ease seems far away. But I keep telling myself, ease will come. Every hardship is met with a blessing, a relief, even if I can’t see it yet. It’s a promise from Allah, and I hold onto that promise when the weight feels too heavy to bear.

I still have days where the struggle feels too much, where I want to escape from everything. But then I remember why I’m here. Life isn’t meant to be easy. We’re meant to be tested, and these tests aren’t there to break us, they’re there to bring us closer to Allah.

If I’m tired, it’s alright. It doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It just means I’m human. And being a good Muslim doesn’t mean being perfect. It means accepting the tests I’m given with patience, even when it’s hard, and trusting that Allah’s wisdom is beyond my understanding.

So, I remind myself every day: I’m here to be tested. And with every hardship I face, with every moment of exhaustion, I hold onto the belief that these challenges are shaping me into the person Allah knows I can become. Even when I doubt myself, I try not to doubt Him.

After all, I’m just a human being, and even though I feel tired and broken, I’m still trying. And maybe, that’s what makes me a good Muslim, trusting in Allah, even when the path seems too hard to walk.

Recently, I have been thinking about how people cope with disappointments. You know those times when someone lets you down, and you feel that rush of sadness or frustration hit you like a ton of bricks? It’s a feeling I’ve become quite familiar with over the year.

Just the other day, I came across an Instagram post that truly resonated with me. It said, “Jangan terlalu nurut sama perasaan.” It got me thinking about how our emotions, as valid as they are, shouldn’t always dictate our actions.

What I’ve learned is that those emotions, as raw and powerful as they may be, are completely valid. They’re a natural part of being human, a sign that we care deeply about the people and things that matter to us. But here’s the thing: our feelings don’t have to dictate our actions.

For me, it’s been about recognising that there’s a space between how I feel and what I choose to do next. It’s like my emotions are on one track, racing ahead at full speed, while my actions are on another, waiting for me to decide where to steer them. This realisation has given me a newfound sense of control and peace.

When I feel let down, I’ve started giving myself permission to feel those emotions fully. It’s important to acknowledge them, to understand why they’re there. But instead of letting them drive my reactions, I’ve been trying to take a step back. Maybe I need to take a deep breath and give myself time to process before I respond. Or perhaps I can find a way to address the situation calmly and constructively, without letting my emotions take control. These small pauses can make a world of difference in how I handle difficult situations.

It’s in those moments of choosing how to respond that I feel like I’m really growing as a person. I’m learning to see my actions as a reflection of who I am, of my values and beliefs. It’s about handling disappointment with grace and understanding, not just for others but for myself too.

So, if you’re going through something similar right now, know that your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel hurt, upset, or let down. But remember, you have the power to choose how you respond. Your actions matter—they’re what can make a real difference in how you navigate through those tough moments.

Perasaan itu hak kita.

Tapi cara kita berperilaku…

… itu bisa berpengaruh sama hak orang lain.

In the quiet of the night, around 3 a.m., thoughts often hit me hard. It’s like my mind comes alive when the world is asleep. Tonight, I found myself thinking about how I never seem to be anyone’s first choice. I’ve had good friends throughout my life, but there’s always this feeling that none of them are really there for me all the time. Each friend sees a different part of me, but no one sees all of me.

I think about how each friend brings out a different side of me. There’s no one person who is always there, seeing me through all my ups and downs. It’s like I have to split myself into pieces, showing only what each friend can handle or what they need from me. It makes me feel lonely sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by people. I can’t help but wonder if anyone will ever know the whole me.

Maybe it all stemmed from my childhood, where love sometimes felt scarce. Or maybe it was because I had this habit of dreaming big and expecting more from life and people than maybe I should have. Someone once asked me why I go out of my way to help others so much. He wonder if I’m just trying to please people. But if I don’t do it, who will? I feel like it’s my job because no one else would do it for them. Yet, even though I do so much, I rarely feel like it’s reciprocated.

As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about my life. Is this what life means for me? Always giving and not getting much in return? It’s a tough lesson to learn, but maybe it’s important. Maybe life isn’t about what others give back to me, but about what I give to them.

This generally relates to my friendships. Friendships are a big part of my life, but lately, I’ve been feeling uncomfortable. I feel like I have to explain my feelings every day, and it’s starting to weigh on me. It’s like I’m never enough for anyone, and maybe I’m just overreacting, but the discomfort is hard to ignore.

Mel once told me that I needed to be good on my own, a statement that resonated deeply with me. It made me realise that I have always been on my own, but the difference now is whether I’m okay with it or not. This self-reflection brought me back to something Qila said that I believe is the biggest reason for my problem: I’m afraid to express my feelings. This fear has had a profound impact on my friendships. I’ve come to see that by not being expressive, I don’t fit well into most of my friendships.

I tend to hide my feelings because, deep down, I don’t want people to see this side of me. I worry that my sensitivity might annoy others, so I keep my true emotions to myself. But this habit of hiding my feelings has consequences. By not being expressive, I’ve lost the spark in my friendships. I’ve become someone who doesn’t show their true self, and I fear this makes me seem boring.

There’s a constant tug-of-war between wanting to be authentic and fearing the potential consequences of vulnerability. I often find myself grappling with questions like, “Will they still like me if they see this side of me?” or “What if they think I’m too emotional or needy?”

Not being open about my feelings has led to shallow connections. My friends don’t get to see the real me, the person who cares deeply and feels intensely. Instead, they see a version of me that is always trying to keep things light and easy, never letting them in on my deeper thoughts and emotions. This has made me feel isolated, even when I’m surrounded by people.

I remember times when I desperately wanted to share how I truly felt but held back out of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of rejection. But each time I withheld my emotions, I felt a piece of myself drifting further away from my friends. It’s a lonely feeling to know that I’m not fully known by the people who matter to me the most.

The struggle to be expressive is a constant battle within me. On one hand, I crave deep connections and understanding. On the other hand, the fear of being vulnerable holds me back. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing that taking the leap could lead to something beautiful, but being paralysed by the fear of falling.

Each day, I put on a mask, hiding my true emotions behind a facade of calm and composure. I smile and laugh, engaging in conversations, but inside, I’m often yearning to share more, to let my friends see the real me. Yet, the fear of their reactions keeps me silent. Will they still like me if they see how sensitive I am? Will they understand my insecurities, or will they see me as weak and overly emotional?

I’ve built up walls over the years, and tearing them down feels almost impossible at times. The walls provide a sense of safety and a barrier against potential hurt and rejection. But they also keep me trapped in a cycle of loneliness and misunderstanding. The very thing I use to protect myself is what isolates me the most.

I think about the few times I’ve managed to open up and let a friend see a glimpse of my true self. Those moments were terrifying yet incredibly freeing. The connections felt deeper and more genuine. But they were rare, and each time, I had to muster immense courage to be vulnerable. It’s exhausting to constantly battle with my own fears and push against the instinct to hide.

Despite this realisation, it’s still a struggle for me to be open about my emotions. I’ve built up walls over the years, and tearing them down is a slow and painful process. But I know it’s necessary. I need to show my friends the real me, the one who feels deeply and cares passionately. I need to let them see my sensitivity and understand that it’s a part of who I am.

On a random Sabtu, today, I took a KTM to Qis’s house to beraya. While waiting to reach Bangi, I scrolled through Pinterest and found this quote. It hit me hard.

It was talking about how we spend so much time moping about what we don’t do with our lives. It got me thinking about my own journey—how I’d dreamed big but ended up taking a different path, sometimes out of fear or just because life happened.

But then, in that moment, something clicked. I realised that all those choices, even the ones that didn’t lead where I wanted, were part of my story. So, I decided to stop beating myself up about what could’ve been and start focusing on what still could be.

I started small, saying yes to new things and trying stuff I’d always wanted to do. I’m naturally shy. I made an effort to strike up conversations with people, even if it felt awkward at first. And you know what? It wasn’t as scary as I thought.

I also made a point to do more of the things I love, whether it was baking, gardening, or just curling up with a good book. It was like rediscovering pieces of myself that I’d forgotten about. Instead of letting opportunities slip by just because they didn’t fit into my preconceived notion of what I wanted, I started seizing them with both hands. 

With each new experience, I felt lighter, like I was shedding all that regret and embracing the excitement of the unknown. I realised that making peace with my unlived life wasn’t about looking back—it was about living in the moment and being open to whatever comes next.

And you know what? It’s made all the difference. With each new experience, I feel a little braver and a little more alive. Because now I know that life isn’t about sticking to a script—it’s about writing your own story, one adventure at a time.

I was sitting at the bench at tasik sorting my thoughts after completing my last test, and it was the hardest one. Haihhhh. Then, I noticed that I hadn’t written anything yet for this month, so I’m sincerely attempting to make myself write this. It bothers me to write this because suddenly everything is a flurry of good times and bad times, intertwined, and you finally realise that life isn’t about the good and bad things running in parallel with one another, but a mixture of all the in-betweens.

In 2024, I started learning that everything you choose to do is an investment. What do you do with your time? What do you do with your money? What do you do with your passion? Most importantly, what do you do with your love?

I might have gone through some rocky roads, but I still have so much love in me—for myself and to be given away to the ones deserving of it.

I read somewhere that when you love, you should love with all your heart. Love, despite the fact that it might break you and scar you for life, Love, despite not getting the same energy from the person you love. Love as if it’s your last, so in the end, you no longer have regrets about not being enough. Love, because maybe one day you won’t feel an emotion as strong anymore, and at least the memory of it will keep you at ease, knowing you once had an opportunity to love and you did not let a second of it go to waste.

I learned that there is always, always enough love to go around. I used to see random Instagram posts on my Explore page saying, “There are still so many people you haven’t met; so many people you have yet to love,” and I would think to myself, “That’s impossible.” Because truly, I thought I’d had my fair share of friends that I hold dear and company that I would like to keep. I don’t think I could ever be thankful enough for all the times that I felt truly seen for the things I love, for the person I am, for my fears and sorrows, and for how they accepted me wholly throughout it all.

A good friend told me that there is no such thing as being ruined because of love. There will only be lessons to be learned, and nothing less. I trust her because it is true. The pain can only take you and crumble you if you allow it.

I know there are some things that are far easier said than done. Sometimes, if it hurts you, then it hurts you. There will not be a single person who can convince you that your pain is meaningless or misplaced, unless you step up and tell yourself it’s not worth the tears anymore. But again, it’s always easy to tell ourselves that we are mourning the absence of something that brings us no good, but it’ll never be as easy to convince the heart. The mind always accepts what the heart refuses to.

There will be days when other people’s behaviour towards us is really hurtful and seriously messes up our feelings. Or maybe even other people’s decisions that impact us negatively. Anything that makes you feel small, worthless, feeling like you’re not enough or not important. Some people are lucky to be born unbothered, but if you’re like me, who is easily affected by these things, this one’s for you.

People say and do hurtful things all the time, sometimes knowingly, sometimes subconsciously. Whenever I come across a situation like this, I always think, what if I myself had done this to other people, I just didn’t realize it. Or maybe they’re not in their best state, so they need space for themselves to find clarity again.

People end up doing things that hurt us or doing things that we wish they didn’t do. We cannot control other people’s choices. Sometimes those choices hurt us deeply. But Allah taught us through them that we can only control what is within our grasp, and we have to learn to let go of what isn’t.

In the event that you are hurting, though, don’t stop yourself from hurting. Crawl in bed and under the covers, and let the tears and pain overtake you. It will hurt, and the pain will continue pounding in your chest, but at least you will remember it. You will vow to never again experience the same pain, and you will be more cautious of your heart. You will learn that you lost nothing but instead gained a whole new understanding of what it means to be strong.

Sometimes I am constantly reminded that for any problem that I have, how long is it going to last? These things give me a little bit of comfort that whatever trial Allah has picked for me, whatever loss Allah has picked for me, whatever experience Allah has picked for me, is something I am supposed to learn from. Learn and grow.

But I also learned that you cannot always be happy. Ibu told me this: “He gives you some; he takes some. You are happy for one thing and sad for another. That’s his way of keeping you grounded and grateful. He wants you to remain His good servant with humility. If every single thing goes right, then what is there for us to learn from?”

No truer words have been said. Indeed, perhaps in my happiness I have ignored certain parts of life that I shouldn’t have, and the sadness has kept me grounded and reminded me of my focus and my priorities. But He would never let you go through something you could not bear, so regardless of how sad and in despair you are, remember that and bear in mind that the bad days will eventually pass.

Learn to be happy with your own happiness. It’s difficult; trust me, I’m still learning too. But the pain and sadness can be temporary if you want them to be. Be strong from all perspectives possible.

After all, no one can love and care for you more than yourself.

I haven’t written in a long time, but I still write mainly for myself; sometimes I feel like by writing, I’m convincing myself that I’m fine more than anybody else. This month has seen my happy streak go longer than any previous month in 2023, but I’m realising that if I just know happiness, I’ll never be able to learn or appreciate what I have. I’m also grateful that we’re on semester break right now; I really needed some time to sit and think about all that transpired this year. It’s been a tough one, indeed.

I’m not proud of how I’ve presented myself in 2023. For the most part, I was returning to the person I had pledged not to be. I held myself back, had difficulty inserting self-deprecating thoughts, and let my fear of other people’s perceptions keep me from being my actual self.

This year has been challenging for me, and I don’t think I’ve given myself enough credit for how I’ve survived. From January to March, it was a constant academic battle that included numerous mental breakdowns in between. I went into April expecting it to be a pleasant moment after such a demanding last high school year, but what I didn’t anticipate was to realise that post-SPM is a break that may shatter you if you’re not cautious. Being alone with only my thoughts and no one to dispute them was a genuine test for which I was unprepared. I travelled back and forth to the hospital since Ibu was not doing well. Following that, bring Ibu on her daily clinic visit in Puchong. All of the household duties that need to be completed. For me, it was a never-ending cycle of exhaustion. Nevertheless, I’m still glad I learned a lot of stuff. Of course, take up cooking! And that leads to a great deal of disagreement with Ibu. Haha. But I am growing so much and have learned a lot of cooking hacks along the way! To be honest, in spite of all of these struggles, I should be glad enough, but because I was always comparing myself to other people, I sometimes lost faith in myself. I don’t think I accomplished much or had a particularly fascinating life. I still haven’t fully recovered from that, but I’m learning to accept the person I am and be proud of how far I’ve come over the years. I’m also teaching myself to counter my own destructive thoughts.

The SPM result is nearing as June approaches. To tell you the truth, I doubt I will ever be able to fully prepare for results day. The row of alphabets on the slip I’ll be receiving on that day will irrevocably determine my path for all the years I have ahead. Sadly, I didn’t receive straight A’s, but I’m grateful for what I got. Perhaps one misplaced A could lead me to a place where I can shine. After all, success should not be solely defined by numbers, rankings, or status. The positive influence you have on those around you, your general enjoyment of what you do, your relationships with your family and friends, and other metrics are also important. In the end, it all goes back to what truly brings meaning to life and to you.

For me, July and August were really difficult months. Making a lot of important life decisions. Going through lots of assessments of scholarships and being rejected by the majority of them. I sobbed a lot and wished for a miracle to come so I could bear the agony of not achieving my high school dreams. It’s really exhausting to decide what to study and to explain my future plans to the elderly, who just have no idea what course I am interested in pursuing. I broke down in a dilemma. I tried to convince Ibu, called my closest friends, and spent the whole day pondering my choices and options. Today, I look back and don’t regret my choice. It’s true that occasionally I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out if I had made a different decision, but I can honestly say that I’m relieved that I don’t have as much on my plate and can now focus on more time for myself. With Ah’s wedding approaching, my anxious days have been replaced with delight. I was quite busy helping Ahh with her wedding. Sharing my preferences on a variety of topics. I have to admit that I experienced mixed emotions. I believe that boundaries play a role when someone enters an entirely different phase of life, just as Ah is becoming a wife.

I started university studies at the end of September. Interacting with new individuals. Yes, I feel like I’m living again when I get to chat with more than two people a day. The initial weeks weren’t great. Keep comparing everything with my high school life. Maybe I am just adapting. Feeling a bit empty. Sometimes it’s okay to feel empty, and you are the only one who is capable of helping yourself feel whole again. It seems so overwhelming every day. I find that my mind and my heart have been engaged in a constant war. I have no idea if it’s the hormones or if it’s simply because I’ve been so distracted from my sadness these past couple of months, but in September, especially, everything feels like a raging battle of my conscience. Sometimes I wish time would pass more quickly. This taught me that it is normal to fear the prospect of going to new, uncharted territory. There is nothing wrong with how abnormal the pace of your heart becomes when the thought of exiting your comfort zone hits you in the middle of the night.

October was more of an adjustment month for me. It was not an easy task. In my attempt to fix myself, I painted a different confident smile every day and got myself super, super busy. It was difficult to get busy because it’s the first semester, and honestly, I couldn’t even distract myself by studying because there was not much to do, but I tried as I might. PTAR is suddenly my second favourite spot. Even on non-class days, I can’t help but feel bad for not working efficiently because, most of the day, I was boring. It’s funny how I unintentionally seem like a rajin girl. My favourite October memory is supporting Ecah as she competes in the Mathematics Showdown. It was in high school that I last made such support signs out of cartons. Overall, I simply want to be that good at answering math questions. I wished I had her brain when I was answering calculus paper.

November and December are typically the months when I feel most like myself. Increasingly hectic due to tests, a tonne of assignments, and activities since I joined the faculty club. Never-ending night meeting. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that I have not been stressed about things since high school, yet here I am in the same situation. Despite the fact that I am finding it very difficult to handle the event, I am truly delighted that I have met some wonderful people there. Also, I gained a lot of laughs. More than just an escape from sadness and misery, it gives me the courage and strength that open my eyes to new possibilities and meanings.

You’ll see that many people want 2024 to be nicer to them, to save them from despair, to give them good grades, and to be the point of change in their lives. However, the first step to all of your New Year’s resolutions should be really simple: learn to be kind to yourself. It will hurt when your heart is shattered in the first week of January or when your exam results are not what you expected, so be kind with yourself when you set your expectations. But, more importantly, be nice to yourself, no matter who or what you let impact you.

I pray the best for myself and for anyone who’s taking the time to read this post; thank you, by the way, for sticking until the end. I know my writing gets tedious to read after a while, so thank you for your time. I hope we all make peace with our pain and forgive ourselves for all the times we thought we screwed up; aren’t we all just humans at the end of the day?

I hope that when you count your blessings this year, you won’t forget to include the blessings of the past years that only make sense now.

Happy New Year, and may all your New Year wishes come true!

The past weeks has been so uncertain and casted so many doubts. One of my friends was highlighting me for being too private about my life. The majority of my friends are responding to my Instagram stories by asking how my life is doing. Sincerely, I feel as though I have nothing to say. I feel like the updates about my life are not at all fascinating. Every day, I continue to do the same thing. It seems so overwhelming every day.

Lately, I find that my mind and my heart have been engaged in a constant war. I have no idea if it’s the hormones or if it’s simply because I’ve been so distracted from my sadness these past couple of months, but this week especially, everything feels like a raging battle of my conscience. Sometimes I wish time would pass more quickly. Life has been monotonous, miserable, and dissatisfying.

Sometimes, I think I used up most of my positivity pills in the earlier half of the year because life was such a breeze then. At this point, everything feels too heavy. Even if you tell me to take things one at a time, I don’t have the energy to do it. I want to do absolutely nothing.

I’ll be honest: I’ve lost parts of myself. There were things I used to enjoy in the earlier half of the year, like writing, long days of reading, and baking, that eventually felt like a routine that I was growing out of, and nothing hurts your ego more than losing interest in the very things that kept you going in the first place.

I haven’t been writing for so long, but I still write mostly for myself — sometimes I feel like by writing, I’m convincing myself to be okay more than anyone else. Getting through all this roller coaster ride of emotions made me learn a great deal about myself, unlearn some perspectives that I’ve thought to be true for the longest time, and seek comfort in the ones I love.

Some days, I’d get angry at myself for not being okay, as if it was wrong to be a little bit sad at times. Like I said, I was unnecessarily hard on myself.

I have been hard on myself because it seems like the only subject everyone cares to talk about now is tertiary education. I cannot seem to stress enough how important it is to stop competing on everyone else’s ground and just breathe!

Stop comparing others’ successes to yours and start thinking of how to best nurture yourself to be just as successful, if not more successful, than said people. Stop living your life in the clouds of another person’s dreams and build your own from whatever remnants of hope there are left before you feel as if you’ve reached the point of giving up. There is nothing more fulfilling than doing something for your own sake.

At the end of the day, I realised that no matter how many times I tell people I want to be genuinely happy, it will not happen if I trap myself in the same depressing pit and torment myself about things that have happened that I can’t change.

I am teaching myself that there are people that I have to leave behind and that it is possible to make peace with the bygones while making space for what lies beyond. There are dreams that are not meant to be, and there are pathways that are not meant for me.

It takes a whole lot of peace to be happy with where you are now, and even now, I am not yet as happy as I’d like to be, but that’s life, isn’t it? It is most definitely not a stroll in the park, and there were days where I felt most at loss and questioned my own choices, to the extent that it suffocated my chest, but it brought me comfort to know that there is always more to come. There are more people to love. There are better days ahead.